I would not trade this job that I have for anything. I want to be here, doing this, staying home with my children. But sometimes it is hard. And the fatigue and lack of energy are overwhelming and I don't seem to be able to explain myself. When I try, it is jumbled, sounding annoyed, upset, even spiteful.
I want to be here for the moments. Every day. But I have to remember those moments include non-stop whining, non-stop feeding, non-stop neediness. Which is wonderful and oh-so-hard at the same time.
I try to explain. Why I am worn down, even though there has been quiet this afternoon for at least an hour. And I wonder, why doesn't it feel like enough? Why does it sound so desperate?
The guilt comes, as it often does in these times.
We need something to break up what is sure to be a long evening. So the girls play in the tub, even though they had a bath just this morning. And I try to relax. Take a drink of water. A deep breath.
It helps for awhile, and then there is flour in the coffee beans, fighting, papers all over the floor.
Take another drink of water. Another deep breath. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat as needed.
However many times it takes. Because I know that eventually this rut will end and I won't need the drinks of water and deep breaths. Until I do again.
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On another note, my husband is still considering a guest post. He's trying to think of a topic...
Big hugs! I can relate to these ruts ... you are so in the company of many, many others. Keep writing it out; best free therapy in the world.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Yes, the writing definitely helps.
DeleteI agree with Hyacynth - writing/blogging has helped me in so many ways. This mom thing...it's not easy. But through blogging we find like minded folk and those who share our experience and that certainly helps knowing that we're not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Blogging does help me feel less alone.
Delete"Which is wonderful and oh-so-hard at the same time."
ReplyDeleteAmen.
Thanks.
DeleteI think we all know these days...I know I can totally relate. And the guilt? That's the worst.
ReplyDeleteYes, the guilt is always the worst.
DeleteI feel this so much right now. Sooooo tired and worn down and I hate when I snap or can't explain myself properly. I would like a pause, just a little pause in the day. That would be lovely. Hang in there. We will get through this rut.
ReplyDeleteThank you, yes, we will get through this rut. Sorry you're going through it too!
DeleteCould have written this same thing. Yesterday. Monday. Last september. Tomorrow. Yes and yes. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd what's interesting to me is that while I was reading this I was pleasing with you --and this myself--to be kinder to yourself. Hmm. Big lesson for me tonight.
Thank you, Sarah. Yes, must try to be kinder to myself. And you too. :)
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