It Keeps Going On

It is pretty amazing how one's emotions can change within the span of a day or two. A couple nights ago I was overcome with the fear that I am becoming more disconnected from Calvin, and with that the implication that I just don't love him as much. And although I know it not to be true, I could not let go of the idea that Calvin was slipping away from me.

Earlier today I felt pretty okay, and this afternoon I just sort of flatlined. My insides are just jumbled up and all knotted together. I have no desire to go out and do anything, and yet I have no desire to be home either. It's like I don't particularly want to participate in anything that's going on right now.

And yet, everything just keeps going. Me right along with it.

The house gets cleaned, laundry gets washed, appointments are made, school supplies are purchased. We eat, we sleep, we do it all again.

I'm preparing myself for the bump in the road that is next week. Adam goes back to work after two weeks home and Hope starts Kindergarten. Having Adam home for so long after losing Calvin is an amazing grace. We have had more time together than I think we ever have, which has been such a blessing during our immediate grief.

Most likely, it will be good that Hope starting school will be a distraction that Adam is back to work, and Adam being back at work will be a distraction that Hope is starting school. I'm afraid that I'm not too eager for either situation.

But, whether I want it to or not, whether I like it or not, everything keeps going. And I will let it carry me along with it, until I feel strong enough to keep going for myself.

xoxo christine

Push and Pull

Just set the girls up in the other room with play-dough. I'm hoping for a little bit of rest time this afternoon, which I guess is kind of funny considering it's hasn't exactly been a strenuous day or anything. As much as I dislike play-dough (and all the clean up afterwards), that $2.99 for a few new containers feels well worth it, even if the quiet playing only lasts minutes.

We are all doing fine, taking one day at a time, and all that blah blah blah. I can't believe it's already approaching the middle of August. I realized the other day that I have spent the majority of the summer in pants and long sleeves (mostly of the cardigan variety). Sure, some of it may have to do with how (in)frequently my legs are shaven, and our weather has been on the more mild side recently, but the reality is, I think I feel more protected. Like that extra layer over my body some how softens the edges of life or something.

Every night in bed I think, Please give me wisdom. Give me strength. Give me patience. Give me mercy. It's become my evening mantra. Wisdom. Strength. Patience. Mercy. Wisdom. Strength. Patience. Mercy. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I don't feel any wiser or stronger, and I certainly don't feel more patient. (Who knows about that who mercy thing?) But I guess it must be doing something because I have made it this far, and it's going on nine weeks now. Before all of this I would've never thought I was a strong enough person to handle something so big. Yet here I am. Here we are.

I love this baby. I love Calvin. But there are days that I just want to be done. That being pregnant and holding on and not knowing the how or when of his death feels like too much. But even in that same breath I know that once he is gone I will long to be pregnant with him again, because at least then he is alive. At least then he is with us.

The dichotomy of emotions, the push and pull of his life and death, the guilt with every fleeting thought... it is hard. It is hard and painful and sad and frustrating.

Perhaps I need to give us a little more credit though. Give myself a little more credit. Because it is hard, but we are doing it. We are still here. And we may not be better for it yet. But I have to believe that at some point we will get there.

xoxo christine

It's a Favorite this Summer

Just sharing a few photos of our summer outings. Can you tell what the girls request every day?

xoxo christine

Not Much New

I don't have much to say, except that I feel like I should be "checking in" here at least once a week in an effort to assure people I'm not spending my days curled in the fetal position, rocking in the corner. Which, now you can now confirm, is not what is going on.

Here is some of what's going on:

Hope started swim lessons last week. Her attitude is a drastic change from last year. She seems comfortable in the water and with the instructors. I even see her smiling. Of course, when I ask what she likes best about the lesson she just shrugs her shoulders and mumbles Nothing. Sometimes I'll prod and talk about things I saw her doing and other times just let it go. She seems to love being in the water even if she doesn't want to talk about it.

An impromptu visit to the doctor midweek revealed nothing serious, just that our sweet baby boy is growing and his heart is beating strong. Even though I'm only twenty-four weeks we're up to once a week visits to the doctor because of an increased risk of developing pre-eclampsia and the specialist's concerns. So, luckily nothing was wrong, but it certainly gave Adam and I a large dose of anxious fear on our way to the appointment.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to rot my brain with a bit of smutty television.

xoxo christine

The Clock Keeps Ticking

Yesterday I took the girls to the splash park. It was good for them to get out (and away from the television for awhile) and good for me to get them out (and away from my guilt of them being in front of the television).

The day wasn't as hot and humid as I was expecting, certainly not a day for me to get wet, but Hope jumped right in. Paige, on the other hand, only sprinkled her toes and spent most of the time sitting with me, laying on the towel, and snacking. My three-year-old teenager.

We had fun though, until we packed it in because of the rain, and even though I was tired it felt good to get out of the house, to do a little distracting. Although I do not regret my decision, this waiting and wondering is hard. In many ways I want to stay pregnant forever, because the longer I'm pregnant the longer my son is still here with me. But the unknown of when we will lose him, how much longer we have him for, is so difficult. It's like I'm watching the second hand of clock, tick-tick-tick, just holding my breath afraid that this next 'tick' will be the time the clock stops. It's a lot of breath holding.

So sometimes smiling, sometimes getting away from my instinct to curl up in bed and stay there all day, sometimes reminding myself that I can still manage to parent even when I don't want to, sometimes not letting my mind go there, can be good. Even if it only lasts two hours.

xoxo christine

Some Good Things

Even though the joy and good are surrounding me, sometimes I have a hard time seeing them.  As much as I wish I was one of those always-wearing-rose-colored-glasses-and-life-is-all-rainbow-and-unicorns type girl, I am not.  I get so easily frustrated and overwhelmed and angered by the sad and bad and yucky of the world that it is sometimes hard to see anything else.  It can be so difficult to see the good even though my life is filled with all good.

Which is why I am taking this opportunity to participate in Good Thing Thursday to find and appreciate one of the many good things I have going on.  It may not be life-altering or world-changing.  It may not be the love and peace and compassion I'd like to see in the world.  But it's Good, all the same.

****

Last weekend we went camping with my husband's family.  Now, I'm not exactly an outdoorsy girl, but I don't want to miss out on family time, especially since this was Paige's first experience.  So we stuffed our car full of fishing poles, sleeping bags, and hot dogs and ventured to the great outdoors.  The rain and mosquitoes were my least favorite (shocking, I know), but there were a lot of favorites.  Here are a few:


Swimming,

Sand,

And of course the best, s'mores.

Here's to noticing and appreciating all the Good Things.

xoxo.
Christine

Scenes From New York

On the off chance you missed it, we recently got back from a our first big family trip.  A first plane ride and visit to New York City for the girls, a visit to celebrate my sister's wedding.  For all my anxiety and stress leading up to our departure, everything went smoothly, from the morning drive to the airport, to the bumpy landing back in Minneapolis.

I don't know what to say about the trip, except that I didn't want to come home.  Being in New York is excitement in its own, but being there to celebrate a couple (one-half of which is part of my heart and soul), brings another level to my love for the city.

Because we live so far away, I have not seen first hand Elisabeth and Jürgen's relationship grow and develop, so to be a part of their wedding, and to hear from friends who have gotten a close-up view, felt like a completion in my love for their love.

Except that it also made me feel sad because I am not there to be experiencing it myself.

The weekend was filled with so much warmth and joy.  Mostly because of the couple getting married, but also because of the close family and friends who were there to witness Elisabeth and Jürgen's rooftop-shouting love.  Because isn't that kind of what a wedding is?  Making that commitment to each other and shouting your love for one another from the rooftops?

I am over-the-top thrilled for my sister and her new husband.  I am equally thrilled that our two little girls traveled so well, as traveling is a love both Adam and I share, although have done it significantly less after having kids.  But is still something we want to pass on to our children.

Anyway, without any more rambling about love or travel, before I start tearing up, here are some scenes from our visit.


The trip:

The wedding:

The City (and us):

Let me just say, the girls's favorite part of flying: the big pink bubble gum (Hope), the orange sucker (Paige), the iPad with movies (Mommy).  How in the world did my parents survive over-seas flights with my sister and I before the DVD player and/or iPad?

Definitely one of my favorite family trips.  When can we go back?


xoxo.
Christine

It Was a Trip, Not Quite a Vacation

They say that taking a vacation with children is not actually a vacation.  It is a trip.  Vacation implies rest, relaxation, and renewal, and traveling with kids is pretty much anything but those.  You know, because everything with kids takes more time, more stuff, and more energy.  (The diapers, the toys to distract, the changes in schedules, the general disruption of normal, daily, quasi-easy life.)

All of this I think is true.  Our trip to New York was exactly that, a trip.  However, even though it wasn't a lot of R and R, the girls did so well, that I do feel a little bit renewed coming back.  You know, when I'm not so bummed out to be back.

Being away from home was so good for us.  I loved not having laundry to fold or cleaning to do.  And my absolute favorite was how my husband didn't have his usual To Do list hanging over his head and interfering with spending quality time together.  We all had no home (and Adam had no work) responsibilities to keep us from just Being.

Being in the moment.

Being together.

******

There is an energy to New York that I have never felt anywhere else.  And although I was worried about how our girls would be received in a city stereotyped for it's indifferent residents, I was pleasantly surprised to find that even some New Yorkers can't help but smile at my two little kids dancing down the street.

The pace is crazy fast, but also invigorating, and although I imagine living there could get exhausting, the vibe of New York City makes coming home to suburbia feel very... blah.  Of course, this could also be some post-trip blues.

(My blues are made worse by the photos from the trip.  Although I took almost 700 photos I did not get many quality ones, which has left me feeling even more inadequate and self-conscious as the novice photographer I am.)

Photography woes aside, it was a perfect first family trip out to visit my sister.  Made more perfect by her wedding, and so many close family friends all gathered together.

******

Look forward to at least one more post about the trip, detailing some of my favorite moments.

xoxo.
Christine

Swim Baby Swim

Hope is becoming a little fish.  She loves the pool more this year than any other summer.  But when it comes to swim lessons she is timid.  Nervous.  Scared.  Which is why, being the first lesson since she was 18 months (don't judge), I signed her up for the Parent and Child class.  It is also why, at four and half years old, she was easily two years older than the next kid.

She was not at all bothered to be in a class with babies.  But it was obvious her comfort with the water and skill level was beyond the class.  She kicks, paddles, floats (assisted), and blows bubbles with ease.  I didn't need to be with her at all.  But when I tried to talk to her about moving up to the next class, the class where she would swim without me, she became sullen and upset.

We talked about it a lot.  We tried to figure out her hesitation and fear.  And with a lot of conversation, some encouragement from the teachers, and yes, some tears, Hope participated in the preschool level swim class today.  On her second day of swim lessons.

I even saw her smiling.

I know how hard new situations are for her.  I know how hard trying this class was for her.  And she did it.  And I am so proud.

Afterwards she ran up and gave me the biggest (and best) wet hug.  Wrapped in her towel she curled up into my lap, and we rested on the lounge chair.  She had fun, as much fun as the day before when I was with her, she told me.  But even so, it was apparent that this new and big experience left her drained and needing a little mommy snuggling before moving on to the next part of the day.

She assured me that she had enough fun that she wants to do it again next time.  And my heart feels full.  She is growing up.  We are growing.  And it makes me happy and sad and everything all at once.

xoxo.
Christine

Yup, It's the Weekend

As has been with most of the country, this week has been disgustingly hot.  I imagine it to be much like hell.  One million degrees with humidity about the same.  Or is hell a dry heat?  I'm not really sure.  In either case, it's been hot.


We had some friends visiting from England the past several days, and tried to experience Minnesota without melting.  We only semi-succeeded with a baseball game in the 101 degree mid-afternoon, shopping at the Mall of America, and ice cream in Linden Hills.  Today is feeling quite lovely finally, which is unfortunate only because the friends left this morning.


With all the jam-packed fun from the past several days, I am feeling a bit hungover.  Even though I think the only time I had alcohol was the one sip of wine last night.  Perhaps it's a heat-hangover.  Which means today I am happy to sit around and nurse my headache with rest and quiet.

Project 365 Week 27

Happy Weekend, all!

xoxo.
Christine

Find Me A Place With Perfect Temperatures And I Am There

Oh my goodness, the heat this week is kicking my butt.  Turns out, as much as I'm not a frigidly freezing sub-zero temperature kind of girl, I'm also not a muggy heat and humidity kind of girl either.  How the heck did I end up in Minnesota where there is both!?

(Also, is there a place that is in the seventies all year round with zero humidity?)

We've been swimming a couple times this week.  And please ignore the two pictures of my daughters playing on the iPad.  Oh, and the computer.  I swear it's totally a rare occurrence.  (Maybe...)

Project 365 Week 26

I have been feeling much better too, thanks to getting off the medication that was making me crazy.  (Or just making my depression flair up.  Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to.)

Of course, life wouldn't be life without a few bumps.  We're currently struggling with bedtime over here.  Something that seems to happen at least a couple times per year.  I am taking any and all suggestions.

And I had my yearly visit to my doctor this week.  Yes, the ever-lovely and eagerly-anticipated pap smear.  Not my favorite day for various reasons.

But now it is the weekend.  We are eating ice cream.  We are watching movies.  We are going for sweaty family walks at State Parks.  It's perfection.

Happy Weekend!

xoxo.
Christine

Keepin' Cool

We have a heat advisory here.  The combination of temperatures in the nineties and dew points in the seventies makes it feel between 100 and 110 degrees.  I kid you not.

So we did what any good midwesterner does when it's too hot to move.

We took our bodies to a near-by watering hole to cool off.

I wasn't actually up for the big pool, which is just fine because this wading pool is free and the girls love that it doesn't get deep.

And now we are home in the comfort of our a/c, all resting and recovering from our morning in the sun.

 Stay cool.

xoxo.
Christine