It's a tricky thing, this whole kids thing. And if I'm being honest, for us it was a much bigger and more difficult adjustment after the second than it was after the first. (Will I forever feel guilty about that?) We struggled quite a bit. Which is why my pregnancy last summer was such a shock and unplanned surprise. I feared for our marriage. (Will I forever feel guilty about that too?)
But even so, when we lost the baby I was devastated. I should say, Devastated. Because it deserves a capital D.
And now, I am Desperate for a baby. (Because that deserves a capital D too, even though I am embarrassed admitting that.) I feel like a crazy lady, how much I'd like another baby. I don't know why it feels so important Right Now. Why waiting a few years (like someone else in our family might prefer) seems so.very.hard.
One of my friends suggested that perhaps I feel this way because of the miscarriage. Perhaps I am seeking closure. She might be on to something. Adam agrees. He must be on to something too.
I wonder, would a new baby bring me more closure? I don't know. Maybe? (Will I forever feel guilty about that?) Not that it would replace the baby I lost, but might my heart feel more healed if I had a new baby here to focus on? (Will I forever feel guilty for that too?)
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
All I know is, I want another baby. It is aching in my heart. And that's the truth.
I'm sorry you lost the baby. Maybe that does have something to do with it? I'm not sure. I can't imagine having to go through that, but I do understand the ache of wanting another baby. I don't know why, but I get that ache, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Evonne. I think I would have an ache for another baby no matter what. Just maybe not so desperate for one right now?
DeleteChristine, I think it is good that you are sharing all of this. Sometimes just pouring your heart out helps and sometimes it can put things into a very clear perspective. I hope your heart heals! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kristen. I think you're right. Just getting it out there is what I've been needing to do. I needed to "own" my feelings.
Deleteit takes a lot of guts to admit all of this out loud. I feel your ache from here. I can not imagine what it's like to go through.
ReplyDeleteJamie, thank you. I appreciate this very much.
DeleteI feel your pain too. Do you have others to talk to who have lost a child, are grieving and wounded too? It is totally understandable that you want to heal your void by filling it with love and life. Nothing wrong with that. I wish you good luck, and peace, and know it will happen and he/she will come to you. You've got to let your heart and soul heal too while you try.
ReplyDeleteYes, there are a handful of people in my life who have also experienced miscarriage. And I am grateful to have them. Thank you for your kind words.
DeleteHaving struggled with infertility, I understand that ache to expand your family. The wait is suffocating at times. I hope that you'll find the answers you're looking for soon. In the meantime, I'm proud of you for being able to be open about how you're feeling. Sometimes, just having others remind you that you're not alone can be truly healing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your struggles. And thank you, I really appreciate the support about my opening up. It's embarrassing to admit and yet I feel a little better just having it out there.
DeleteHoping and praying that you find the peace and closure that you need.
ReplyDelete<3
Thank you, Stasha.
DeleteI really understand the ache for another baby, and the difficulties that the decision to have another baby entail. I hope you work out a solution that makes you feel better, I hope that just sharing it on here will make you feel better, I haven't had the guts to really talk about it yet myself. I imagine that miscarrying is a very difficult thing to get through, you may need a little more time and hopefully when the time is right you'll have another baby and be able to enjoy it without all the guilt and other baggage. My best wishes your way today.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this comment. I know that it will work out, we will eventually have another baby, I just don't yet know when.
DeleteOh I can definitely relate to this! I want another baby SO bad, but at the moment my husband wants to wait another couple of years. I get the ache, I really do!
ReplyDeleteYes, the ache is SO hard!
DeleteOh, my prayers and love to you!
ReplyDeleteSteph
Thanks, Steph.
DeleteI hope pouring your heart out here helps even if it's only a little. You have a load of people who understand, even if they don't necessarily relate. Pain and guilt are universal and we all have our own way of coping with them. I hope you continue to talk about it and don't chose to bottle it up. Letting it out is setting it free.
ReplyDeleteYes, the "pouring it out" does help. Even if it only means people know how I am feeling and why. Thank you.
DeleteI know that ache...all too well. After the first miscarriage, I was a shell of my former self aching and desperate to have a baby. Infertility made it hard but not impossible and the twins came. The ache stayed but the desperation wasn't so bad. After the 4th baby died at 22 weeks pregnant, the ache and desperation was so loud and consuming it was all I could do to function. It didn't make sense because we had 3 kids but that ache doesn't make sense. I'm not saying it is everyone's answer but my 2 year old healed my heart. She healed all of our hearts. I wish you peace in making this decision and hope that you continue to share because that is healing, too. Found you through PYHO and so glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, but am happy for you that your two-year-old was able to help heal your heart. Thank you very much for sharing and showing your support.
DeleteI hope that you are able to have another. xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Shell. Me too. :)
DeleteI knew that I wanted to have a 3rd. My husband wasn't so convinced, but because I KNEW deep in my heart that there was a 3rd baby for us I didn't push too hard. And eventually, 4.5 years after our 2nd, our 3rd was born. Just as I intended.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I am happy that I didn't push too hard on my husband in the beginning, but let him come to the let's have a baby decision on his own.
I hope that you are able to find some peace with whatever decision you make.
Yes, we both have to be ready and not pushing each other. Which I think is partially why I just felt the need to get this out.
DeleteSo sorry you are going through this Christine. I can tell you that, as my youngest grew out of his baby phase I ached for a baby again too. I finally realized that what I was aching for was for our family to be whole which it never will be. When I changed my thought process then it made it easier for us to decide when/if we were ready for another.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessica. Yes, that's part of the thing. Even if/when we have another baby I wonder if it will really stop the aching. Changing my thought process is probably a good idea. It just so hard!
DeleteEveryone tells me that I'm nuts for wanting another baby as well. My darling two year old is using the potty, gave up her pacifier for good, knows her ABC's, 123's, shapes, colors, and can sort. I just feel like my baby is a big girl and I miss it. I'm not in a good spot to have a baby because my marriage didn't happen so I'll have to just keep longing for another baby because it just isn't my time. I said all that to say, I understand how you feel in wanting a baby even though every one else feels as if it may be irrational.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're feeling the ache too. And thanks for the understanding and support!
DeleteWell, you certainly cannot deny the truth or how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI had that ache for a third two and then she came along just in time to both surprise me and squelch those feelings. I hope and pray that it can happen for you.
Thank you for being so honest with us but especially with yourself. xo
Thank you too, for the understanding. It is embarrassing to admit (for some reason), but true. I know it will happen eventually... I'm just feeling impatient.
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