I Get Knocked Down

I had a What-Did-I-Get-Myself-Into moment last night. How in the world did I ever think I was strong enough to go through another pregnancy?

You see, as much as I love this baby, for me she/he is not a given. Just because we already suffered a third trimester lost, just because we had an early miscarriage, just because all the screenings came back well this time, just because we made it past the first trimester, just because we make it to twenty-weeks, just because we have a great ultrasound, just because we make it to thirty, thirty-five, thirty-eight weeks... none of it is a guarantee that we'll get to meet and bring this baby home.

Having a baby die is the worst thing that can happen in pregnancy. And just because this baby doesn't have Triploidy like Calvin did, does not protect us from the worst happening again. It just means that the cause of the worst thing happening would be different.

What I'm trying to say is, losing Calvin has opened up a whole new world of ways I can lose this baby too. So, even though the odds are in our favor for bringing this baby home, there are millions of other reasons (aside from what lead to Calvin's death) that can cause this baby not to come home too. In fact, sometimes there is no reason found at all for losing a baby to stillbirth.

I don't know if I can do it again. I mean, I know that I can. And I know that I would, because never in my wildest dreams would I think I could survive losing a baby and yet, here I am alive while Calvin is not. But the thought of having two baby's ashes on a shelf... the thought of telling the girls that another baby died... the thought of going to Labor and Delivery for death... It's just too much.

I know what you want to say. It's going to be okay, Christine. Don't worry. This baby will be fine. I get it. I appreciate the fact that you want to reassure me. But honestly, it's not reassuring. It feels more like my fears are not being taken seriously. I know that the odds are in our favor. I know that this baby will very likely be coming home with us come July. But in the depths of my heart, the fear is there. Reminding me, over and over that nothing is safe. Nothing is a guarantee.

I want this baby, more than anything. But that doesn't stop me from having some moments of How-Did-I-Think-I-Could-Do-This-Again that knock me over.

xoxo, christine