What Ails Me

The day is quiet, lazy. The bug that's been circulating through our house has finally landed on me, infecting me with ickiness. I'm not sure yet if it's just joined me for afternoon tea, a six-month sabbatical, or (most likely) something in between.

I'm grateful that Nora has been content to eat and sleep the whole day, still recovering from her doctor appointment yesterday. She seems groggy, napping more frequent and longer than usual, something that today feels particularly like a luxury. We have spent the majority of the day snuggling in the chair, our warm bodies comforting each other in our yuckiness.

Paige has been understanding, playing in hushed tones in the corner with occasional requests for lunch and snacks. She has also been more than happy to watch one or two (or three or four) shows while I baby myself with reading and dozing.

I am worn down and exhausted from both lack of sleep and the achiness that comes with illness. I need a good twenty-four hour of uninterrupted sleep (my self-prescription) to regain some energy. The problem with feeling sick and sitting in the living room most of the day is that I look around and see everything that should be getting crossed off my To Do list. I have a terrible habit of thinking of the cleaning that hasn't been done recently, the clothes piling up in the laundry room, the organizing of everything that I want to happen, the multitudes of To Dos, while I sit around not feeling well. It makes me particularly overwhelmed as I can't actually accomplish much but I have plenty of time to sit around and think of all that I am not accomplishing.

Which is kind of how I feel in general lately. I am looking at my life from the outside, not particularly happy with what I see, yet paralyzed when it comes to making changes. I should probably clarify, it's not that I'm unhappy, I am quite happy with my life in regards to my family and relationships. I love my husband and daughters. I feel wonderful about the life we are building for our family. The discord comes from within. I don't think I'm an unhappy person, but I'm also not particularly happy either. As I've mentioned before, there is a stirring of discontentment, an urging that I am becoming more and more aware of. But it's not yet clear to me what exactly it is all about. I feel like I need to make changes to myself, but I'm not entirely sure who "myself" is so I'm not sure what those changes are, or what they might mean.

It is all getting quite exhausting as I ruminate in circles, feeling disconnected from myself yet wanting (desperately) to feel the deepest connection to the world around me.

I am trying to sit with my feelings. To be okay with whatever it is that is ailing me (figuratively, that is). But I'm not sure if it's working. Mostly I'm just feel tired right now. Which maybe means that when one is sick it's okay to take a break from deep thinking and processing.

Which is what I'm going to do now. Snuggle my sleeping baby, close my eyes, and let my mind still into sleep.

xoxo, christine