The January Rage

And somehow it is already February and January feels like a fleeting moment of the past. I'm not sure how that happened, except that I know it was busy with plenty of birthday celebrations and play dates and homework and sleepless nights and playing outside in the January thaw.

I spent the better part of the month in a state of eminent rage. My pot was filled to the brim with irritation and anger needing less heat than a spark to result in a boiling overflow. The episode was temporary, brought about by a change in my antidepressant medication, but while it was happening I feared that I would never again have even a small amount of patience. The hostility and snappiness flowed freely and I cried at the thought of alienating my husband and scarring my children.

We decided on trying a change in the hopes to save money because my prior prescription was a ridiculous amount with no generic available. After suffering through for a few weeks though, I thought perhaps my body just needed to adjust to the change, everyone involved agreed it was not working for me, so we switched over to something more similar to what I was previously on, but with a generic option.

It's only been a week, and I'm hesitant to sing it's praises, but my anger dissipated almost immediately, and I feel much more like myself. Or at least, the self I was before starting this whole change.

I kick myself a little bit that I felt the need to change something that was more or less working for me. It wasn't perfect, which I had to continually remind myself of that while I was raging those few weeks, but I was functioning and mostly happy and comfortably working towards feeling more satisfied with who I am. But if there is something available that works just as well yet at a lower cost it is worth trying. I have to remind myself of that too.

It was frustrating and difficult and embarrassing at the time, which is partially why I avoided the blog. That and any time I sat down to write nothing felt right. (Perhaps because the only thing I was experiencing at the time was extreme anger?) Needless to say I am relieved to be feeling more balanced again.

I'm pretty sure the rest of my family is too.

xoxo, christine