I Want to Understand: Truth Telling Tuesday

I am a feeler. When I hear about something bad that has happened, I don't hear about it, I feel it. My heart is weighted down, aching in sorrow, every beat a vibration of pain in the world. I am a feeler. And that is why I am selective in what television shows I watch, frequently avoiding the news.

I don't want to be ignorant. And because of this, I struggle with my decision to skip the evening news. I want to know what is happening in the world. I want to know what injustices people are suffering. I do not want to turn a blind eye, to maintain that "ignorance is bliss" because I don't want to be afforded the luxury of ignorance. Yet, my media intake is filtered, mostly via my husband because there are days that it hurts too much to see for myself.

Over the weekend I had a conversation that left me feeling a bit rattled. As I ruminated about my contribution to the conversation I was painfully aware of my white privilege, and embarrassed about that privilege especially because a dear friend of mine does not have that luxury. I want desperately to do right by her, but I know that there are times that I won't and times that I don't. My discontented heart led to a late night text to my friend promising her that I am trying.

And I am trying.

The next day, discussing it with my husband, my body still felt agitated and shaky. I know that there are many people out there who disagree with me. I know that there are many different opinions and points of view. I get that, I really do. I can even (try very hard to) respect that. But what I want is to understand. It is important to me to understand everyone and where they are coming from. The problem is, I'm not sure how to understand points of view that I so completely disagree with, and (even more importantly) I don't know how to understand a different point of view without feeling like I am endorsing it.

My husband reminded me how much of this is related to my personality. How important it is to me to understand, how deeply it is that I feel. Which, although painful, is not necessarily a bad thing.

And all of this, the feeling and discomfort, the wanting to be able to respect other opinions, the desire to understand other people, the learning to be okay with the inability to change people's minds, it is hard. It is so incredibly hard.

My feeling heart struggles so much. It is so difficult to understand everyone, but I want to. I really want to. I just don't know how to do that without my heart hurting. But maybe I can't. Maybe the hurting is part of it too.

xoxo, christine

Like a Candle in the Wind: Truth Telling Tuesday

I found out today that someone I (kind of) knew died this week. Actually, I only knew her through my hair, she cut it several times, so clearly I didn't know her much at all, but there's something about the connection a girl can feel with her stylist. I'm not claiming that we had some deep and meaningful bond, just to say that when I sat in her chair and we chatted it felt good and nice and right.

She was only a few years older than I am, a sweet young woman who seemed happy and cheerful. Her smile was warm and dazzling and her eyes full with joy. She was just filled with so much life. Which seems like a ridiculous thing to say because obviously everyone is filled with life when they are alive, but I guess maybe that's what makes it hard to believe she's not anymore.

I am sad and upset and confused. I ache for her young daughter who is around the same age as my older girls. My mind is spinning and there is fear and anger bobbing up and down. I imagine being here for my girls one day and the next day being gone and what that would do to them and who they are and how they grow up. I can not imagine how traumatizing it would feel to be a little girl who's mother is suddenly gone, who's whole world is abruptly pulled out from under her, who will grow up with such limited memories with her mother.

When I lay down for a nap today I kept wondering what my girls would remember about me. Would they remember anything other than my frequent naps?

And yet, even with my fear about what kind of mother memories my girls would have should I die, I spent most of the day wanting to stay in bed and be away from my children. I felt frustrated and irritated and short of patience. I wanted to hug them close and reassure them that I'd never ever leave them, yet I wanted complete and total space. I wanted to be left alone to feel all the confusion without interruption from little mouths.

I don't understand. And I suppose I'm not meant to. But when something like this happens the world feels unstable. I am awkward and uncomfortable, trying to adjust to this dramatic tilt. I question how and why and tremble in fear at the thought of what (if anything) comes after this.

As a human I want to make sense of things, even the things that I am not to understand. I like my world to be clear and concise and easy to categorize. I don't like gray areas and ambiguity. Unfortunately, the world does not conform to me and my desires to be able to put everything into little boxes, but luckily I am slowly learning how to understand that I can't understand the world. I am slowly learning to open my heart to what is real. I am slowly learning that fighting against what I can not control or change hurts me more than letting go. I am slowly learning to accept the world as it is. In all of its pain and beauty. And I can only hope that we all can find a way to do the same.

But death, it is still death. It is still painful. It still hurts beyond belief.

Tonight I will close my eyes and see a bright and beautiful and whole woman. And say an extra long prayer for a hurting family.

xoxo,
christine

The Truth Is: Truth Telling Tuesday

The truth is, I want to feel like writing, but lately I just haven't felt like it.

The truth is, I spend too much time on my phone.

The truth is, I've been wanting to tell more of my story with Calvin, but I don't think I'm quite ready to feel all the feelings. And I think I'm okay with holding off a little bit longer until I do feel ready.

The truth is, one day I can feel great, even energized, and the next I am exhausted and eager to climb back into bed.

The truth is, I miss taking photos with my camera, but not having a decent place to download and edit the photos keeps me from using it.

The truth is, the end of preschool was hard for Paige. And this mama.

The truth is, I am excited to have all three girls home all day all summer, but worried I'm going to rely on the television too much.

The truth is, sometimes I am too lazy to put the lid from my coffee in the recycling and just throw the whole cup into the garbage.

The truth is, I want to cut back on the amount of sugar my family consumes, but then I pack my daughter a gogurt, granola bar, and gogo squeeze in her lunch.

The truth is, when I'm reading a good book, the rest of my world gets neglected because I just want to read read read.

The truth is, I love that Hope is playing softball this summer, but two nights a week is too many.

The truth is, I can't remember when our house was last cleaned.

The truth is, I am tired and cranky, loud and silly, thoughtful and cuddly. I am at the end of my rope and ready to scream. I am full of endless amounts of love and patience. I am ready for a break. I am ready for a day of family bonding. I am happy. I am sad. I am up. I am down. The truth is, for every moment I feel DONE there are hundreds of moments that fill up my heart and refuel me.

xoxo,
christine


And because I've been pretty quiet, here's a little bit that's been going on around here:

 Watching sister at softball.

 Swinging at the park.

 The wettest field trip ever.

Barbie Dream House Experience. A dream come true for Paige

Take on the World: Truth Telling Tuesday

I watch the Disney Channel.

There, I said it. I admit it.

It's not, I watch the Disney Channel with my kids. And it's not even I found myself continuing to watch the Disney Channel after my kids left the room. I actually watch the Disney Channel. On purpose. By myself.

The truth is, I don't really pay attention to most of the shows, but I've found myself really enjoying Girl Meets World. Okay, more than just enjoying it. I sat down and sought out Girl Meets World via On Demand last night. I can't help it. I realize it's cutsey and a more a little ridiculous at times, yet there's something about the show that comforts me.

Maybe it's the fact that there's so much on tv that I can't (or won't) watch. Lately, I am so sensitive about television that I have no desire to watch dramas that are serious and depressing, and crime shows scare me so much that I end up awake in bed imagining all the terrible things that might happen. Most of the comedies are on before my kids are in bed (therefore too early for me to watch) and the travel/home improvement shows leave me feeling like I should be unhappy with my life/home. I'm not left with a lot of choices for quality programing.

Of course, one might argue that for a thirty-three-year-old-woman a teeny bopper show from Disney Channel does not qualify as quality programing either...

The thing is, the story of Girl Meets World is kind of a continuation of a story that was started when I was a kid, and although I never watched the original show (Boy Meets World), I like that these characters feel somewhat familiar. I like that these kids who were kids when I was, now have kids of their own, and we get to continuing following their story.

I know. I hear myself too. It's okay to laugh.

I find it a little hard to believe myself. But I like it. I won't deny it. I like that it is light-hearted and silly and everything gets neatly wrapped up in a little bow by the end. I make enough stress and discomfort and drama in my life all on my own, I don't need to add it via television too. At least not right now. I'm too tired right now for extra drama.

I am perfectly content with my campy Disney Channel show, thankyouverymuch.

Now if you'll excuse me, I might have something I need to go watch.

xoxo, christine


****"Take on the World" is the theme song for the show. 

A Stubborn Refusal to Laugh: Truth Telling Tuesday

Last night at the dinner table I couldn't keep myself together. I didn't cry or yell, but the deflation I felt left my body in a huff of frustration. I was hoping to have a quiet and involved conversation, with everyone contributing and listening at the appropriate times.

See, we used to do Highs and Lows during our evening meal as a way to connect with each other and gather information about each other's days. Especially from the girls who aren't always willing talk about their day's experiences and feelings. In an effort to gather data from Paige, who seems to be struggling with some recent anxiety, I wanted to use the non-direct "game" to try to gather some clues as to where this might be coming from.

Of course, as a seasoned parent, I should know by now that expectations are dangerous gambles, ones that usually do not pay out. There is little control for how things will go when it comes to children.

Dinner was not full of thoughtful conversation connecting us together, it was loud and chaotic with me struggling to keep the conversation on topic and no one really paying attention. I was upset and frustrated and worked up so, like the adult that I am, I finally sprang up from the table and huffed into the kitchen. (I'm incredibly mature like that.)

I should have let the moment go where it wanted and released my grasp on needing to pull the conversation somewhere specific. Sometimes you just have to let go of the idea you had in your head of how things are going to be, and just let things go where they want instead. I should have done that. I should have let go.

But I didn't.

I got all annoyed and offended and put out that people weren't listening to me and taking me seriously. Instead of a serious discussion about our days and how we were feeling, dinner was full of loud noises and giggling and a vocabulary lesson courtesy of my husband's joke that had the word "ass" in it. My mood was much too serious for the evening and instead of letting their laughter lift me up, I pushed myself further and further down into serious grumpiness. I refused to budge out of my annoyance that dinner was not going as planned and into the much lighter tone at the table.

I do that sometimes. It's like I can't let go of my surprise (turned annoyance) at things getting silly, but instead of just going with it, I dig in my heels and fight it. I refuse to let go of whatever I wanted to be going on and enjoy myself, and instead make myself more and more miserable until I either completely explode in anger or deflate in exasperation.

The deflation feels a lot like giving up, unlike giving in to the moment which feels like changing my attitude and perspective and laughing with my family.

It's sad to me, that I can be so stubborn like this, unable or unwilling to change my attitude on a whim and be silly. Yet, at the same time, there's still a part of me that is disappointed that we didn't have the conversation I wanted and that no one seemed to take me seriously.

Of course, since we weren't going to connect as a family with a serious discussion of Highs and Lows that I was hoping for, I should have seen and seized the opportunity to connect as a family over being silly and chaotic.

Still, I wouldn't turn down an apology, or even just a hug or two.

xoxo, christine


I am trying something new, Truth Telling Tuesday, posting every Tuesday a truth about myself. I think on of the best way to connect to other people is to share our truths. I feel the most connection to someone who has gone out of her way to be authentic and unafraid to share who she is and what she wants and how she feels. Her truth. So I'm going to try that out here. Sometimes the truths may be serious and deep and other times silly insignificant. I have no idea how this will go, or if I'll even keep doing it. But I just wanted to give it a try, to give myself a push into sharing my truth.