Looking to Tomorrow

My phone rings, I see it is my sister, but I don't answer.  (Sorry, sistah.)  I want to talk with her.  It's been awhile, but I am so tired.

We spend our weeks filled with gymnastics, preschool, appointments, errands, and play dates.  I want to slow down, but not the good kind of slowing down of enjoying each moment and spending more time playing together at home, but the bad kind of slowing down where I want to curl up at home and avoid people.

The busy schedule keeps me going.  And when I am out, I am smiling and feeling happy.  I want to chat with people and make connections.  But as soon as I am in the comfort of home, all that energy I used to be present on the go vanishes.  And I am tired.  Oh-so tired.

I am avoiding phone calls, delaying replying to emails, scheduling fewer play dates.  I have not been a very good friend.  I have not been myself.

As the girls recover from being sick and I am not up in the night with them, I do notice a difference.  I am still exhausted, desperate for an ounce of energy, but I am also finding bits of it here and there.  The television has been on for smaller amounts of time.  The girls and I had a dance party in the kitchen before dinner.  My nap yesterday was under an hour.  I made some pb chocolate bars with two little helpers.

At night I try to praise myself for the good of the day, let go of everything else, and look forward to tomorrow.

And I will continue to do so, whether the day is hard, easy, or somewhere in between.



****

I Fell in Love

In honor of Valentine's Day tomorrow:

10 Reasons I Fell in Love with My Husband (before he was my husband)

1.  He was a sweet and quiet guy.

2.  He was a fun and silly uncle to his niece and nephew.

3.  He wanted to make me happy.

4.  We had similar political, social, and spiritual views.

5.  He kissed away my tears.

6.  He supported me and wanted the best for me.

7.  He really listened to me.

8.  He made me smile and laugh.

9.  We had similar dreams and wishes for our futures.

10.  The way he looked at me.

*****

Crawling Out of A Lot

I haven't blogged much lately.  (Obviously.)  I have not fallen off the face of the earth.  And do not worry, I don't have a flashing DANGER sign above my head with a count down to self-destruct.  But I have not felt like blogging.  I have not felt like much, as a matter of fact.  I am tired.  And it's felt like a lot.

We have been dealing with...

...coughing, coughing fits, and interrupted sleep.

...doctor's appointments, bronchitis, double ear infections, and interrupted sleep.

...frustration, yelling, tears, from Hope, Paige, and (mostly) me, and interrupted sleep.

...dishes piling up, laundry piling up, dust bunnies piling up, negative self talk piling up, and interrupted sleep.

I know that I have so much to not complain about.  I have so much to feel grateful for, to be happy for.  But the gratefulness, the happiness have felt hard lately.  Which is then, of course, accompanied by a side of guilt.

I am doing the best that I can, I know, but it's hard to take any comfort in that when this "best" is not enough to keep my family happy -- let alone me.

I shudder to think what this winter would be like if we had the typical Minnesota winter of accumulated snow, single digit temperatures, and negative wind chills.

It will get better.  This I know.  Whether it is the winter, the interrupted sleep, my mental health, or something unknown that is contributing to my funk, it will get better.  It already has started to within the past several days.  But it's hard work.  And it's so much easier to let go and lose myself in the fatigue.

Luckily, I have supportive friends and wonderful family and that helps tremendously.  But if you happen to have an extra cup of coffee, a housekeeper, or a personal chef you could send my way, that couldn't hurt too.

Project 365 Week 6 - Conversation Bubble Edition

Happy All Around with Pink

We put up new curtains in the girls' room this past weekend.  (And by "we" I mean Adam put them up while Hope, Paige and I supervised.  Which, by the way, was a good thing we did because Adam put the curtains on upside down.)

I have wanted room-darkening curtains since I was pregnant with Paige.  Or since she was three or six or nine months.  Or maybe it's just been since she turned one.  Whenever it was, it's been a long time.

And now, they're up.  I am happy because now the morning light will be limited and (cross my fingers) result in later mornings, the daytime light will allow for easier naps, and the evening darkness will (hopefully) contribute to an earlier and easier bedtime this summer.  And Adam is happy because I am no longer bugging him about it.  And the girls are happy because they like anything new, plus it's something new for them, plus the curtains are pink.  A triple joy.

Seeing how thrilled this small thing makes the girls, makes me even more happy with our redecorating.  And it makes me excited to do even bigger redecorating. (Which might not happen for awhile, but I'll start dreaming.)

A Step Back

So, you know how a couple weeks ago I mentioned how big my little girl is getting?

Um, I might have spoken too soon.

Don't misunderstand me, she is still acting more mature and is better able to express her emotions.  I am still very proud of her.

It's some of her behaviors that I'm not really understanding.

Like, how she chews on or puts toys in her mouth.  We have not been concerned with Hope putting little things in her mouth for a long time, but within the past several months she has been putting everything in her mouth.  Littlest Pet Shops, bouncy balls, pieces of construction paper, the television remote, I find them all in her mouth.  (I don't have to tell you how crazy that makes me, right?)



And, how she colors on non-paper items.  Today I found pen scribbled onto the back of her coat.  Okay, so maybe that is a sign she can not be trusted with a pen (my fault), but she is also known to color on her hands, arms, and even face with markers.  We're taking a break from anything but crayons right now.

Also, how she makes messes that she knows are not okay.  The other day I went into the bathroom and she had pulled all the toilet paper off the roll and was tearing it up into little pieces.  Just today, she purposely smeared frosting all over her face and then onto the kitchen chair.

These are not typical of her as a three-year-old so I do not understand where all this is coming from as a four-year-old.

I only hope that we are suffering a minor regression before progressing back into the wonderfulness that is four.

It will get better.  It has to get better.  Right?

Project 365 Week 5 - Bonus Edition

Hooray!  Today you are getting a bonus edition, which means - you lucky person you - you get a bonus... (drum roll)

Picture!

I know, I know, you can hardly contain your excitement.  No thanks necessary, although if you do want to show your appreciation I accept chocolate, coffee, and ice cream.  Or chocolate swirled, coffee flavored, ice cream.  And cash.

Ahem.  Anyway, you are such fortunate individuals because I used Picnik to make my collage and they do not offer a seven frame collage, thus, the bonus eighth picture.

I mean, I did it just because I know you were so wishing for more pictures.  Yes, that's it.

So here is our week, in a nutshell.  Or rather, in a collage.

As you can see, we laughed, we played, we played we laughed, we watched TV, made funny faces...  Oh, and it was foggy.

But you will be happy to hear that there was a teeny, tiny, minuscule increase in the amount of sleeping this week.  (I know you were wondering.)

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go check the freezer.  I'm suddenly craving some Ben & Jerry's.