I Really Need to Acquire the Taste for Wine

I think I need a little wine with my whine.

Or at least, that would be appropriate if I actually liked wine.  Which I wish was the case because some nights all I want is to enjoy a nice, full glass.  Or I think I would like this, as my daydream of wine drinking is quite luxurious and grown-up.  You know, big round glasses of the red stuff.  Unfortunately, I have not acquired the taste for wine.

Not to be confused with whine, because I seem to enjoy that all too much.

Consider yourself warned.

I have been so crabby.  I don't know where it comes from, but I certainly know where it goes, directly in the path of my husband or children.  Because, you know, they so deserve to be snapped at on a regular basis.

Of course they don't actually, which just makes things worse because on top of my crabbiness I am regularly filled with guilt.

But I'm annoyed.  I have an over-all feeling of general annoyed-ness.

So then when little annoying moments come, they are masked as big moments because my threshold for annoying things is significantly diminished.

You know, like having to make dinner with a toddler underfoot pulling out previously clean dishes that will then be added to the sink of dishes to clean which just is a never-ending pile because we don't have a dishwasher and oh my goodness it's so hard to be me.

And, the weather that has dared to become average after enjoying several days of extremely above average days with playing outside and no coats and warm and sun and oh how dare the weather do this to me because obviously it is personal.

Not to be left out, the annoying issue on blogger in which I thought I had word verification turned off only to realize I didn't, only to turn it off and to find out that it turns back on all by itself and I have turned this damn thing off over twenty times (I kid you not) and it turns back on by itself and I just want the stupid thing turned off permanently and it just. won't. do. it.

:: deep breath ::

(So, on a side note, I am sorry to anyone who has to fill out the word verification to comment on my blog.  I really am working on getting that off.  Forever.)

And now I will leave you with a picture because after my whiney rant I feel like I at least owe you that.  A positive way to end, that is.

A serious conversation between sisters, one year ago - March 2011

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PS.  I'm linking up with Heather and Elaine because, well, I just want to.

Project 365 Week 12 - New Shoes

I bought some new shoes this week.  They are fabulous.

And as I may have told Adam (37 times since I bought them, according to him), I love them.

Oh, did I mention I just got them today?

It's okay if you don't like them.  I don't care.  Actually, that's not true.  I totally want you to like them.  I need that verification to know that my taste isn't horrible.  But I think if no one else likes them, I still will.  I'll just be afraid to wear them.

Aw, who am I kidding!?  I love them.  I can't wait to wear them again tomorrow.

I Do Not Have to be Alone

The past several weeks I was not feeling well physically or mentally, so I curled up inside myself and avoided connecting with anyone.  I wanted to be alone.  I wanted to isolate myself.  I wanted to spend time just feeling sad and broken.

So I did.  And for several weeks I felt isolated and alone.  Lonely.

And even though I thought that is what I wanted, even though I did need some time for myself, I discovered that it was too much.

I am an introvert.  And when I am struggling or upset I need time alone.  But there is a fine line between giving myself that alone time to feel my feelings and then refresh, and isolating myself so much that the emptiness takes over.

I let the emptiness take over.

I finally broke out of myself and reached out to some friends this week.  It was not until after reconnecting that I realized how much I needed it, how much I missed it, how much it helped.

Yesterday, for the first time in awhile, I felt refreshed.

And it felt good.

I am not done feeling sad.  I am not done mourning my loss.  But it sure feels good to get out and be reminded of the friends who love me.  To spend some time laughing and crying and feeling a part of something bigger than myself.  Part of a friendship.

Because my friends, they hug me and love me and let me be upset while simultaneously lifting me up.

Because they remind me, I do not have to be alone.

Wordless Wednesday - Spring

Some Days

Some days I wake up fine, easily and happily distracted by two girls whose needs must be met.  And other days I wake up feeling bruised and tender, struggling to keep the tears at bay.

The past several months have been emotionally difficult, especially because of last Monday.  I knew this was not the end of my grief, but I am continually taken by surprise just when and where the overwhelming feelings of loss appear.

Even though I had little reason to (and it is terribly embarrassing to admit), I took a pregnancy test this morning.  We are not trying, but I held onto hope that before my first period after the due date, I would be pregnant.

I guess I wanted to be able to tell myself, If we hadn't had the miscarriage last summer, we never could have had this baby this fall.

But really, there is no consolation.

And though it does no good to do so, I worry.  I worry that if we decide to try again I will suffer from secondary infertility.  I worry that if we decide to try again I will have another miscarriage.

I know that I need to let go.  That I have no control over these things.

And I am trying.  But some days it is too hard.

Some days the tears just come.

St. Patrick's Day Joy

Unlike the Irish individuals and the Irish-for-just-today individuals who reveled in the festivities over in St. Paul for St. Patrick's Day, these three Irish girls, along with their Finnish daddy/husband, had a quiet walk at the falls.

(Hey, even if it's just an eighth, I am Irish.)

It was a beautiful morning.

Made more beautiful by spending it together as a family.

Recently Adam and I realized that most of our family time on the weekend is spent running errands or doing house projects.  Both of which are important, but even more important is to have quality family time.

So we oohed and aahed at the waterfall, one two three wee-ed along the path, stuck our toes in the frigid water, and soaked up some much needed togetherness.

It was perfect.

Enjoying a Saturday morning, our family in green.

Because, you know, it was St. Patrick's Day, and we didn't want to get pinched.

Project 365 Week 11 - A Warm Week

As it has been unseasonable warm here, the girls and I have been enjoying some playtime outside.

It's much easier for me to take them out when the weather is in the sixties and seventies as opposed to the forties.

Which is average for March in Minnesota.

Not that forties is cold when compared to the negative degree temperature days we are used to from the winter.

But this winter was fairly mild, leaving me to forget just how cold the winter can be.  And how warm forty degrees can feel.

Which makes it hard to motivate me to take the girls out to play.

So, I'm happy to enjoy the record breaking highs from this past week.  And so are Hope and Paige.