Some days I wake up fine, easily and happily distracted by two girls whose needs must be met. And other days I wake up feeling bruised and tender, struggling to keep the tears at bay.
The past several months have been emotionally difficult, especially because of last Monday. I knew this was not the end of my grief, but I am continually taken by surprise just when and where the overwhelming feelings of loss appear.
Even though I had little reason to (and it is terribly embarrassing to admit), I took a pregnancy test this morning. We are not trying, but I held onto hope that before my first period after the due date, I would be pregnant.
I guess I wanted to be able to tell myself, If we hadn't had the miscarriage last summer, we never could have had this baby this fall.
But really, there is no consolation.
And though it does no good to do so, I worry. I worry that if we decide to try again I will suffer from secondary infertility. I worry that if we decide to try again I will have another miscarriage.
I know that I need to let go. That I have no control over these things.
And I am trying. But some days it is too hard.
Some days the tears just come.
Oh. I read this post and last Mondays. My heart breaks with yours. It breaks. I don't know what the right words are. But, sometimes the grief is just there - and it needs to be there... so it can be gone. I'm going to pray that it subsides soon. You are right - there is no control - but that doesn't always make it easier. Big Hugs Momma.. If you need to cry, I'm around. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your support, Kristen. It has been a rough couple weeks (well, months really), but it is so wonderful to know I am not alone, that people care. Thank you!
DeleteI'm so sorry. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. Please know I'm thinking about you and saying a little prayer (or two).
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