Being Here

I am trying to open my eyes.  And keep them open.  Some days I am great, other days I stink.  Sometimes within the span of a day, or even hour, I am great and I stink and I'm everywhere in between.  It can be hard, especially in my moments of frustration and anger when my mind is telling me to calm down, relax, and it's not a big deal.  And even though I hear myself, even though I'm listening, the anger continues and I don't calm down and suddenly along with the frustration with the girls there is the frustration with myself.  Accompanied by a large helping of guilt.  Because I heard myself, I really did, so why did I yell and allow my emotions to escalate?

I know I am here, where I'm supposed to be, where I want to be.  This role is mine and I can own it or fight it.  I don't want to fight it.  So it is up to me to be happy, to be satisfied.  It is up to me to let go.  It is up to me to be the kind of mother and wife and person who is most important to me to be.

I can't stop thinking about the things that aren't important and the things that are.  Life.  What I find most important to pass on to my children.  And to remember that the coupons ripped up and scattered on the floor, and the driver who just cut me off, are not the important things.  Are never the important things.  I want to always remember that we are important.

I want to hold onto and squeeze my girls and my husband.  But it can be exhausting trying to always keep that, the feeling of enjoying every moment and letting go of the things that don't matter.  But I'm trying.  Because I want to keep my eyes open.

I want to see every smile and feel every kiss.  I want to be grateful for every snuggle and touch from little hands.  I want to feel lucky for every giggle, every tantrum, every stubborn moment, and every attitude.  Because at least that means they are here.  That I am here.

And here.  Right here.  Is where I want to be.

xo,
Christine


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