Last night, in the safety of darkness I published a post admitting my depression (diagnosed in college). And then this morning I removed it. If I am talking with a person one-on-one and the topic comes up, I am open about my mental illness. But the thought of telling a group of people (or the internet) kind of makes me want to throw up.
Why say anything then?
I like writing here. And right now, because of my emotional health, I can't fake it. I can't write about happy and joy and good feelings. Trust me, I want to. I want to write it, I want to feel it, but I just can't. So if I'm going to be here (and I need to be here), then I have to be honest with what is going on and how I'm feeling. (Even if it makes me want to lose my breakfast.)
Part of the anxiety about sharing is the possibility of judgement, which is a lot less scary when I'm chatting one-on-one. And part of it is that, honestly, my depression is usually managed. Most of the time I truly am fine. And I hate the idea of any time I have a bad day (or even a bad moment) someone thinking, "Uh oh, she's spiraling down," or "She totally needs to see her therapist," or something like that.
Most of the time a bad day is just a bad day.
But, because of how I am doing right now, I have to be open. I am not doing a good job of pretending to be fine. So instead of writing my feelings and emotions here and causing my friends and family to worry that I need to seek help and I'm unaware of it, I am making it clear that I already do, I already am.
I know that at this moment I am not in a good place. But I also know that very soon I will be, I can be. And I'm doing the necessary things to make that happen, right now.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I go through this also and it's rough I know.. I do find that writing it out, whether I publish it or not is like therapy for me. I hope you start feeling better soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jennifer. Sorry to hear you go through this too.
DeleteI know it's hard for you to put it out there but I'm glad you did. that you ARE. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. But I'm happy to hear that you are getting help. Much love and hugs to you, friend. xo
ReplyDeleteI can feel the hug, thank you. Yes, it is good to get it out. Today is already better than yesterday which was better than the day before. :)
DeleteYou are very brave...I hope you find a better place soon!
ReplyDeletePrayers,
Michelle
http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-life-gets-messy.html
Thank you. Already on my way. :)
DeleteThere are so many going through what you are. I think you'd find much more support than judgement. xo
ReplyDeleteThat's the hardest part, being afraid of the judgement. Thank you.
DeleteOooh - we need to chat. Mine was diagnosed right after college, and I'm currently in what I call my "down funk" - and there is no real reason why. That, for me, is the hardest part. Not being able to point to something and say THAT'S why I feel like crap. It just happens. Let's talk sometime soon. (p.s. just found your blog tonight. You are an amazing writer!)
ReplyDeleteYes, we'll have to chat. It is hard not having a reason, and sometimes makes me feel guilty about the depression. (And thank you!)
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