Whatever

Life is funny. (Not funny ha-ha, but funny not-actually-humorous-but-more-of-a-strange-and-even-sucky-sometimes-thing.) Not too long ago I was feeling pretty down about myself and who I was, or rather, wasn't. How hard it sometimes felt to see people accomplishing things that I wanted to accomplish, or even just accomplishing anything, because, well, who was I? (Really, what had I even accomplished?)

And now? None of it really matters. Isn't it amazing how everything in life matters, yet nothing matters? Right now the Not Mattering is not in a good I-have-my-priorities-right kind of way, but more in a whatever-who-cares-nothing-matters kind of way.

I know that this will all make me a better person, but it's not really doing that for me yet. The girls are watching too much TV, and their diets are really not balanced, and there are times I feel minuscule amounts of guilt (perhaps that's a step in the right direction?), but mostly I Just.Don't.Care. It's hard for me to feel much more than "whatever" about anything right now.

On the way to our twenty-week ultrasound last week, when we were blissfully unaware of what was to come, I was feeling frustrated and annoyed because my husband kept talking about house projects and keeping/getting our house ready to sell, even though we aren't anywhere near (five years?) to selling. Oh how nice it would be to go back to that.

I am selfish right now, and really, for the most part, I'm okay with that. I just don't have the energy to care much. It may sound horrible, but it just kind of is the way it is right now. In time I'm sure I'll be bursting with other emotions, but this moment in time, this moment in my life, it's just a lot of blahs and whatevers.

xoxo christine

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