Jun 18, 2013

Untitled

I don't even know what to write.  No words I use will do justice to what I am feeling and what is going on.

Our baby, this beautiful baby I was desperate for, is going to die.

How do I put into words what it feels like to get this news? The fear and shock and sadness to find out that something is wrong. The drive and desire to go to whatever lengths to find out the cause. The numbness that settles in, hollowing out any emotions, leaving a vacant shell.

Anything I say, and words I write, can not adequately portray what this feels like. How frustrating it is not to be able to explain the pain in my heart, the ache in my soul.

I am not ready to let go. I am not ready to say goodbye. Selfishly, I want to hold onto this baby for as long as I can. But he will die. Of this, they are sure. No one can survive with three sets of chromosomes.

But somehow I am supposed to survive with a broken heart.


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