The truth is, today is a sucky day. Yes, I am feeling relatively better after spending time with a friend, because that's what I need, those friends who hug and comfort you one minute, but just as quickly smile and distract you the next. It's easy for me to wallow and forget and curse the universe and feel so isolated and alone, and to forget that there are people out there who can lift me up, who just being around make me feel relief. So, yes, I am feeling better now than I was two hours ago.
But today the universe still feels pretty shitty.
Sure, some of that has to do with my situation, but to be honest, my heart is feeling extra heavy right now for another friend who is going through something hard herself. I ache and I cry, and I curse at the world because it feels like because of my shitty hand, none of my friends should be dealt a shitty hand. My loss should be enough so that no one else should be getting bad news.
I know that's not how it works. That's not how life works. Just because I've gotten a crap of a deal with this pregnancy doesn't mean that other people I love won't have crap thrown at them. But it's so unfair. It's too much. Why can't I shoulder the pain for everyone, since I'm already going through this? Why do people I love and care about have to be feeling pain too?
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I want to gather up all my loves and squeeze them and hold them and put them into a happy bubble where nothing sad can weigh on their shoulders. It's a horrible cliché, I know. And I realize without sadness there couldn't be happiness, and this is all a part of life, and blah, blah, blah. But right now all I want to do is scream and yell and stomp my feet and throw a super-sized temper tantrum at the unfairness of it all.
xoxo christine
I'm so sorry Christine. I remember being very angry for a very long time. My children struggled a long, long time. It was waves of grief, anger, and moments of peace and acceptance. I could not crawl out of the hole of depression for a year. Despite knowing God had a purpose in her life and death, I cried anyway. It's simply not fair. I don't WANT to feel like this! I'd cry out. I should be nursing a baby, not dealing with engorgement. I'm fat and don't have a baby to show off. I know your pain is unique, as each person has their own journey, but know you are in my prayers. May God give you comfort knowing your precious baby boy was made for His glory. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm reading and quietly walking this path with you. I get it.
ReplyDeleteKeep on grieving, God meets us where we are at and understands the pain. God wants to hear your anger. Thank you for pouring it all out. I bet even God says its shitty, all the while binding you up in healing, slowly making it all clearer.
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