I remember

Dear Calvin,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I have been remembering.

I can still picture the hospital room. I can still picture saying good bye to you. How hard it was to let you go and give you to the nurse to take you to the morgue. The morgue. I remember the tears that your daddy and I cried as she pushed you away in that bassinet. She had to have a security guard escort her.

I remember walking out of the hospital room without you. Walking down the hall with rooms filled with happy moms and dads and new babies crying. I remember walking out of the building, our arms empty.

I remember how hard it was to feel connected to you, even though I didn't want to let you go, because I knew that it was just your body. Just your shell and that You were already gone. I remember how hard it was to leave the hospital. It was all hard.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. How your daddy woke to my cries and crawled into bed with me while your little body rested in the bassinet at the end of the hospital bed.

I remember how sorry I felt. How I felt like I failed you. As your mom it was my job to protect you and I didn't. I couldn't. I am still so sorry.

My sweet, sweet boy. I remember. I remember. I remember.

And I am sorry. xoxo, mommy