I didn't want to do Christmas cards this year. I don't want to do Christmas cards. Every other holiday tradition feels joyful. I wanted to cut down a Christmas tree, decorate the house, bake cookies, because all of those things are important traditions I want my girls to have and enjoy. But Christmas cards? I'm just not feeling it this year. Whether or not we send those out don't really affect the kind of Christmas memories my children have.
I don't feel like sending out a card full of happy smiling faces when I feel like our year hasn't been all that happy. Oh, yes, we have been blessed with many happy moments throughout the year, but overall well, the year sucked. Sending out cards doesn't feel right to me, nor important.
My husband, on the other hand, takes comfort in sending out cards to his family and friends (who he doesn't see regularly) to let them know that we are all alive and okay. (Whether or not we are okay is debatable to me.) But I understand his need, even if it is different than my own.
This week Adam made some cards, and at the last minute he ordered a few for me, but I'm not sure whether or not I'll actually address them and send them out. I felt guilty when he was putting in his order that only some of our friends and family would get a card and others (namely, mine) would not. But aside from the guilt I don't know why I did it, because I just don't want to send cards. I don't. I really, truly don't.
Most things I am holding on to and even excited about because I have the girls to think about and be excited with. Christmas cards? I just don't want to think about sending something out without Calvin's name on it. It feels like I'm pretending our year was all smiles when I feel like it was mostly tears. Like I am pretending this past year was something different than it actually was.
(So, you're probably not going to get a Christmas card from me.)