Apr 7, 2014

All-of-a-sudden, She is Four

Yesterday my sweet Little P turned four. Normally I like to have a post up for their actual birthdays (so of course I feel guilty that this is a day late for Paige), but with all the birthday preparations on Saturday and then the actual celebrating on Sunday, writing a blog post (even one as important as a birthday one) didn't seem quite as high a priority.

So, Happy Birthday, Paige!

When she got up this morning I swear she seemed bigger and older. As I've been telling EVERYONE, it felt like she was three-years-old for way more than one year, but on the other hand she totally does not seem old enough to be four. I mean, she still feels like a baby to me, and four-years-old is so much more Little Lady than baby.

As much as I want to hold them forever and ever and let them never grow up, of course I am happy that they are growing up. And oh-my-goodness is Paige ever growing up. She is growing into such a beautiful little girl.

I love the way her little hand always finds mine, and is quick to fold my fingers over her hand if I don't respond fast enough. I love that she occasionally puts seventeen clips in her hair and loves to wear fancy dresses and sing her own song while dancing.

And I love the way she dances. I love how hard she concentrates in her dance class, wide eyes on her teacher, but I love even more when she feels the need to randomly dance around the house or down the sidewalk. I love that she jumps and turns and throws out her arms.

I love the way she runs down the street to meet her sister's bus. And how today she described Hope as her Best Buddy. I love how she tore into each present on her birthday, yet wouldn't throw the scraps on the floor but carefully collected them into her hand, passing them to me when her hands got too full.

I love that she discovered a new like of jeans and kicking soccer balls and swinging a bat, yet she seems as delicate as always, disgusted if her hands get too dirty or a spoonful of oatmeal falls onto the table.

I love that she's not afraid to wear what she wants and like what she wants, even if that means something different than what her sister or friends wear or like.

I love that she wears her emotions on her sleeve, even when those emotions are stressful or difficult to deal with.

Everything about my newly four-year-old makes my heart overflow with love.

Paige, you are my beautiful sunshine. I love you so much, and wish for so many wonderful things for you. Happy, happy Birthday!

xoxo, mommy

** I had beautiful photos of my second born to include with this birthday post, but of course my computer is being evil and not letting me attach any photos. (Which is nothing new for this old thing.) 

Mar 29, 2014

I remember

Dear Calvin,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I have been remembering.

I can still picture the hospital room. I can still picture saying good bye to you. How hard it was to let you go and give you to the nurse to take you to the morgue. The morgue. I remember the tears that your daddy and I cried as she pushed you away in that bassinet. She had to have a security guard escort her.

I remember walking out of the hospital room without you. Walking down the hall with rooms filled with happy moms and dads and new babies crying. I remember walking out of the building, our arms empty.

I remember how hard it was to feel connected to you, even though I didn't want to let you go, because I knew that it was just your body. Just your shell and that You were already gone. I remember how hard it was to leave the hospital. It was all hard.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. How your daddy woke to my cries and crawled into bed with me while your little body rested in the bassinet at the end of the hospital bed.

I remember how sorry I felt. How I felt like I failed you. As your mom it was my job to protect you and I didn't. I couldn't. I am still so sorry.

My sweet, sweet boy. I remember. I remember. I remember.

And I am sorry. xoxo, mommy

Mar 27, 2014

Might as Well Just Get Myself a Typewriter

It's hard to imagine, in this technological age, that Adam and I ever lived without a computer, but the truth is, until about five years ago we did. Our first computer purchase together (because my parents had gotten me one in high school, that I dragged to college, that eventually died) was when I was home with Hope and desperate for something aside from the television to keep me company with a baby that never talked to me.

After putting a lot of thought and research into it, we decided on a Mac laptop. One that we loved from the start and that has survived numerous falls onto tile floor. It is, in fact, the computer I type this on now.

Five years doesn't seem like that long, but apparently for the life of an electronic it is ancient, as I have recently found out some rough news. There are web sites that our old web browser can no longer support and in my search to update our web browser I learned that OUR COMPUTER IS TOO OLD TO SUPPORT A NEW WEB BROWSER.

Do you realize what this means? I can't even update the software on our computer because our computer is too old to support it.

I do understand that this is a first world problem and all, but, really!? I have to buy a new computer in order to use certain websites? Lame. (And, most likely not going to happen.) What makes me especially frustrated is that I used a free photo editor website to make collages and edit photos and that is one of the sites that no longer works.

But, aside from buy a new computer, what else can I do? Just complain and complain and post fewer pictures and never update the photo at the top of this here blog. (Life is hard, I tell you.) I'm sure that I will get over it... someday.

Just not today. I'm going to spend a little more time being annoyed first. (You can find me pouting in the corner.)

In other news, tomorrow (after school) is the start of Spring Break which I've decided means it's actually going to start feeling like spring around here. I will totally ignore the fact that snow was falling today, and focus instead on the rain beforehand that melted some of the massive snowbanks still lingering.

Happy Spring!

xoxo, christine

Mar 20, 2014

"Just" A Cold

I have been sick this week. Not pregnancy-related sick, but just sick. Which is good? bad? both? neither? I'm not entirely sure. Although if I was nauseated I could at least take something for it. This cold is actually kicking my butt.

I've had many colds this past year, most of which turned into painful sinus infections, but this cold is painful in a different way. It has completely drained any and all energy I might have possessed. My nose is simultaneously dripping like a leaking faucet and yet plugged up like a drain that won't go down. Although I don't have a fever my body aches feel hit-by-a-truck worthy, while every time I get up to do something I am left breathless.

Today is better, which is good because after a day and half (I know, only a day and half? I'm such a whiner), I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.

The girls, to their credit, have been good and mostly well-behaved. They've been pretty independent, with some bopping in and out of my room. The television and my mom have been life-savers, providing a lot of distraction and help.

I am still far from myself though. After feeling a bit better this morning, I think I pushed myself too far and am quite ready for a long rest in bed. Luckily, Paige just set up a "secret hideout" in our bedroom and is currently hidden away while enjoying a few games on the iPad.

Pretty sure that's my cue to close up shop and take a siesta.

Sending healthy wishes to all!

xoxo, christine

Mar 19, 2014


I can feel her, pushing and flipping, stretching and kicking. She is reminding me, It's okay, Mom. I'm here and I'm okay. The flutters and pokes are gentle reassurances that she is alive and healthy and growing strong.

I have reached the point that is considered comfortably pregnant, although my definition of "comfortable" must be different than those in the books because I feel like I went from first-trimester nausea and vomiting straight to large and not-so-in-charge.

Still, even with the awkward flipping from side-to-side during the night and the almost constant lower backache, I know that this pregnancy is a gift. One that is worth the fitful sleep and aches and pains.

Adam felt her movement for the first time last week. This is always one of my most favorite moments of pregnancy, when the kicks get strong enough for the daddy to feel too. The girls have yet to feel anything, despite our best efforts to place their hands in the right spot at the exact right time.

It's as if their sister is already playing with and teasing them because as many flips as she's doing, as soon as I beckon the girls over the movement stops. We joke that she's saying, Oh! My big sisters are coming to feel me move? Quick, I'll pretend to be asleep.

The girls giggle and laugh and Hope blows raspberries on my belly to tickle Baby Girl and Paige will have conversations with my belly, making her voice an octave higher when she's being the voice of the baby.

It is sweet, and beautiful. And I am excited for the time the girls catch their sister in the act, letting everyone know the reality of her growing inside me.

I don't want to wish time away, but I can't wait for our Baby Girl to be here. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and smell her and hear her newborn cries. But until that moment I will cherish the moments I can feel her right now. Each poke and prod a reminder to me that things are as they should be, that she is growing stronger every day.

xoxo, christine

Mar 12, 2014

His Blue Blanket

I miss my son.

As much as I obsess about this current pregnancy and the potential for losing it, this pregnancy has also provided me with a distraction from my grief of losing Calvin. I'm pretty sure that I have been avoiding some feelings, and pushing things down, slightly aware that my grief will come back and take me by surprise. That sometime in the future I will need to do more processing, that which I am avoiding right now.

We still talk about Calvin. (Of course we do.) Paige will bring up Baby Calvin. Hope will point up toward the sky in reference to him always being with us. His name doesn't come up all the time, but it happens most often when we talk about our family, and even when we talk about this baby who is currently growing within me. When Hope drew a picture of our family as flowers she included the four of us, the baby in my belly, and a teeny tiny daisy for baby Calvin - since he was teeny tiny.

The past two nights my heart has felt heavy, my body overwhelmed with emotion, my tears flowing freely. I want to hold him again. I want to kiss him again. I want to tell him I love him. I want to hear him cry, even though we never got to.

I've been sleeping with one of his blankets. One of the blankets he never really got to use. It had a spot by my pillow for many months, but the past two nights I've held it against my heart. It's just symbolic since it never got to become his own, but it's all I can do to feel closeness and comfort. It's all I can do for my grief.

xoxo, christine

Mar 10, 2014

Pink or Blue?

We had our twenty-week ultrasound on Friday, and before I go any further I will say that everything went well and the baby looks good and healthy. (Which, in all honesty, even with all my worrying I expected a good report since we've had good results with our screening tests. Of course, that also doesn't stop me from all the fears still of this baby dying...)

In any case, it was a much more enjoyable and happier experience than our twenty-week ultrasound last June. The baby looks good, measured about two days earlier, and is even doing practice breaths, which our technician explained is pretty uncommon this early. Our baby's already an over-achiever. :)

I can't remember if I mentioned this before (and I'm too lazy to go back and read earlier posts to find out), but although we are normally "lets me be surprised and not find out the gender of the baby until it's born" we decided to find out the sex of our baby this time.

Part of the reason we made a difference choice this pregnancy was because we found out with Calvin and we really like knowing. But the bigger reason, for me anyway, was that I felt that finding out whether our baby was a boy or girl would help me make a bigger connection with this baby. It was very hard for me to think of this pregnancy in terms of a baby and I wanted to give myself every opportunity to feel connected and close to the baby inside me.

Of course, I had no problem feeling a deep connection with either Hope or Paige, even not knowing they were girls, but this pregnancy felt different. This pregnancy is different. Finding out whether it is a boy or girl is good for me this time around. It's what I needed.

So, as I'm sure you're ready for me to just cut to the chase and say it already.

My mother-in-law said it best:

We are just tickled pink.

xoxo, christine