I haven't been writing lately. And I know you might be thinking, No, duh, Christine. But I it's not just that I haven't been writing here. I haven't been writing at all. No blogging, no journaling, no jotting in my notebook.
For awhile I wasn't writing because I had no motivation and felt uninspired, which I was then feeling guilty about. I love writing. Why am I not writing? I should be writing. I should be wanting to write. (I am well-versed in guilt and self-doubt and more guilt.) But then I decided that sometimes one needs to take a break from things, even things that bring satisfaction and joy. And that's okay. If I don't feel like writing, why should I make myself feel guilty that I don't feel like it? (I know, the convoluted thoughts of my mind astound even me.)
Lately though, I've felt like writing again. I've been wanting to sit down and just throw my thoughts and words and feelings onto a page, but I just, I haven't had time. I know, stupidest and lamest excuse in the book. There are always going to be reasons there isn't time to do the things we like to do. We can always find an excuse not to make time for our joys.
But seriously, it is SO hard to make the time.
I have not been getting enough sleep the past several nights. Is it because I am writing, you ask? No. Of course not. However, now that I have stayed up late and not gotten enough sleep, I realize just how impossible it would be for me to stay up late and write. I need my sleep, people! I mean, this is code red emergency exploding loud noises catastrophe need for sleep. I am NOT a pleasant mother (or probably person, for that matter) without adequate sleep. And clearly, getting up early is out of the question. In fact, I shouldn't even have to speak the words, it is such a ludicrous idea.
Of course, I am writing right now, and am I using my time efficiently to put down actual important stuff inside me that is burning to get out? Psh.
But, it's a start. It is later than I was planning on getting to bed, but not my-children-are-doomed-with-a-dragon-mother-in-the-morning time....yet. I am feeling so sleep deprived though I should probably spend the next several days going to bed with my children. Preferably the littlest one because her bedtime is between 7:30 and 8:30.
Here I am. Trying. Determined to somehow find, scratch that, make the time to collect myself and my words and my thoughts again. Just have to dust the cobwebs off of my journal and pen and mind...