Nov 19, 2012

My Blanket of Anxiety

You know those moments during the month (or every couple months if you're lucky) that feel like there are about one trillion things to do on top of the already long list of To Dos from the regular day-to-day? Yeah. That's where I am right now.  It's cyclical. I go along just nicely minding my own business, feeling okay about life and where I'm at and then, Bam! At some point during the month I have this blanket of anxiety that starts to suffocate me with all the things that "should" be getting done and aren't.

The house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned in I don't know how long, and the disorganization that started last February when we started work on our half-story is still scattered around in random places. I have responsibilities for Hope's school (which, yes, I did take on myself so it's my own fault) that hang over my head, and this whole "being a parent of a kid going to school next year" gives me a mini panic attack at least once per day.

I feel so much pressure and responsibility to pick the "right" school for my daughter. It is so overwhelming that instead of just making the appointments to visit the schools, which is really the only way I can make an informed decision, I feel stuck in my tracks, like a deer in headlights. The thought of making numerous visits, finding childcare for the girls while I'm gone, and doing this without my husband's input, terrifies me. This fear has been lurking around for awhile, although I didn't really understand it until time started to slip away from me and it's almost December and I have yet to call one school.

When I have all these things that feel important, all of these To Dos, instead of getting myself energized and just doing them, I go into shut down mode. I'm sure that part of this is my personality and part of it is the depression (although that is being managed fairly well right now). That blanket spreads over me, so heavy, and instead of fighting it and checking things off my list, I just want to surrender to it, snuggle up, and sleep.

And I hate that it is such a struggle for me. I wish that I could remember, every single day, what the important things truly are and what are not. Even if I have a To Do List five pages long, I think that's okay, I just think the not remembering those items are not of true importance, that gets to me. Why does it even matter if our house hasn't been cleaned in a long time? So what if we still haven't gotten things put away from our half-story remodel?

Sometimes I think I need to cut myself a little more slack. And then other times I think I've been cutting myself too much slack and that's why everything gets so overwhelming. I have been known to procrastinate a time or two. Obviously, this is one of those times right now, and while I'm really tempted to surrender to the tired and let myself sleep sleep sleep, I also know that the only way to feel better is to take a deep breath and just do one thing at a time. But maybe I'll take a quick nap first.


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