Last night, as I was laying in bed, I wrote a blog post in my head. This not an uncommon thing for me to do as I unwind and try to fall asleep. Of course, this morning it was completely gone, which is just as well because it was pretty choppy and scattered. I suppose that's just how I am lately, random and all over the place. Not a whole lot of rhythm to things these days.
You know how a few weeks ago I mentioned how I felt like it was the beginning of the end? Yeah, well, I still feel like that, even though over two weeks have gone by. The bleeding and/or spotting is pretty standard and consistent now, and even though our weekly doctor visits have shown nothing new, I just keep feeling like it's just round the corner. Like one of those trails where you think, surely around this next turn will be the end, but then there is another twist and another turn and it just keeps going and going and you have no idea how many more twists and turns there are until the end.
Every night I go to bed keenly aware of every twitch and cramp, wondering if my body is signaling that labor is eminent. And every night I remind myself that if I go into labor the pain will wake me up so there's no point in laying awake and timing contractions, which, I might add, are not even really contractions to begin with. And every night when I wake up to use the bathroom I go through the whole thing again, finally falling asleep and waking up every morning thinking, well, I obviously wasn't in labor. It certainly makes night feel like one of the hardest times of day.
In related news, we are sharing his name. It feels weird to me because we are not sex-of-the-baby-finder-outers and we aren't really name-sharers. But this whole pregnancy changes the game and even though it feels a little strange to hear other people refer to him by name, it is what we want for this pregnancy and this baby. There are so many things we are missing with him, the use of his name in present tense will not be one of them.
So, his name is Calvin John. Calvin is one of Adam's favorites, from his childhood idol Cal Ripken Jr. and John is after Adam's paternal grandfather. Of course, to Hope he is still Chubby, and Paige has taken to calling him California (cute, I think, because we refer to him as Cal, and after our spring vacation there it feels natural for -ifornia to come next). I have occasionally referred to him as CJ and found out recently that my oldest niece (without knowing I've used it) does the same. It warms my heart that our family has nicknames for him already.
I don't know what will happen. I don't know when it will happen. But I know that this baby is loved. Truly and deeply. And I am always grateful for that.