Last Friday, when we went in for our weekly doctor appointment, Calvin was measuring twenty-two weeks. I was also currently twenty-seven weeks pregnant.
From the beginning, or at least, the beginning of us knowing something was wrong back at our ultrasound, our baby boy was measuring two to three weeks behind schedule. Something that at twenty-weeks is a pretty big red flag. And even at our next ultrasound a month later, he was still behind by the same amount, but obviously also growing. This most recent ultrasound showed his growth has slowed. Quite a bit.
And to be honest, it didn't feel like a huge shock. I've known all along that he won't survive and so any "new" thing they throw at us just sort of seems to go along with the whole "it is what it is" deal. I've been strong. I've dealt with it.
But today? Today I'm not strong. Today I am weak and exhausted and one big hot mess. I'm not emotional, just way too tired to care about much and feeling intense amounts of irritation and hostility. Perhaps this is that Anger Stage that everyone talks about?
I feel like I need a three day break from being a parent and pregnant. It's sounds horrible, I feel, because I love my children (all three of them) very much, but I need three days to just wallow and sleep and take care of myself first.
I am tired. I'm tired of wondering in every restful moment if I'm feeling a contraction. I'm tired of bleeding (because apparently this pregnancy for me means bleeding Every. Single. Day.). I'm tired of worrying about my blood pressure. I'm tired of feeling nauseated all day long. I'm tired of not having the energy to do as much. I'm tired of knowing that at the end of this pregnancy (whenever that is) we will not be bringing home a beautiful baby boy but will be planning a memorial service and picking out an urn.
I'm tired of being strong.
And as I write these words, and feel these feelings, I know it is okay. That I am okay. That I will continue to be strong. That I will never regret our decision. But it sure doesn't stop me from having bad days.
I suppose that's how it is though, with grief, heck, with life. There are good days and bad days and then there are just all the other days. We're just plugging along. Taking our good days and bad days and all those in between. Here's hoping tomorrow is better than today.
To read all posts regarding Calvin and our situation you can go here. Our baby boy suffers from a condition called Triploidy. There is very little information out there, but here is where we found the most helpful and knowledgeable information on the subject. It's a six page PDF though, so be forewarned.