May 21, 2014

Twinges of Excitement

This week marks 31 weeks into this pregnancy. When I look back on the previous months, the time seems to have moved quickly, but as I look toward the next nine plus weeks, it feels like it is a long way to go. Often times, I wonder how I'm going to make it.

This pregnancy has been wrought with a lot of new emotions as well as pregnancy discomforts. There has been an awful lower back and radiating pain down my legs, which is worse at night. My eyes are fuzzy and require a pair of glasses I got in college which are the lightest prescription possible, but actually help with focusing. And the Braxton Hicks contractions are more numerous and uncomfortable than I ever remember.

I have spent this pregnancy filled with worries and fears and if it hasn't been another chromosomal abnormality or the baby dying (and being stillborn) for an unexplainable reason, it is now feeling convinced she will arrive early and be premature. This thought keeps me up at night, counting contractions and analyzing any sensation, new or old.

Even though I don't want her to come until she is big enough and strong enough, sometimes I find myself just wishing this pregnancy could be over with, simply because I want her in my arms. My last pregnancy our baby died while in my womb, so even though I know that she is in the best and safest possible place right now, sometimes I feel like she might be better off coming early, just so she doesn't get betrayed by my body like her brother.

With all my fearful worrying, the doctor snuck me in for an extra ultrasound today, just to put my mind at ease. And although I know it won't keep from worrying for the next two months, it was so wonderful to see our baby girl dancing around on the screen. Excitement is something I have been lacking throughout this pregnancy, even though there is plenty of joy and love, but hearing her pass her "test" with flying colors, seeing her practice breaths, counting her toes, and getting a look at her squishy little face brought on the much-needed (and forgotten) excitement.

In about two months (hopefully no more) we will be welcoming this baby girl into our family. I am just trying to hold onto that as much as I can and remind myself that she is safe and my body knows what to do to keep her that way.

xoxo, christine

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