Jul 15, 2012

To Hold In My Hands

I thought I was going to be okay today.  In fact, until about five minutes ago, I really was.  I could think about one year ago and not get tears in my eyes.  Now my heart just feels so heavy I want to curl up and cry.

The due date passed back in March, but today was the day I lost the baby.  Not the day the doctor called me to tell me my hormone levels were dropping.  But the day I actually miscarried.  The day I wondered with every flush of the toilet if I was flushing my baby down too.

I still remember being on the couch when I got the call.  Putting the TV on mute, hearing my doctor tell me my numbers from the Friday blood draw and the Monday blood draw.  Her asking if I was okay.

The cold.  I remember the cold.  How, even though I was expecting them, her words felt like a blast of cold air, my heart fluttering and flipping and falling into my stomach.

And a few days later, in a crazy rain storm, I called my mom asking her to watch the girls so that I could run to the store for some pads.  I was not prepared for soaking up my body's traitorous failure.

The rain soaked my skin, matting down my clothes, matching my outside to my inside.  Only to really match it I would need to be ravaged by a wild animal.  The ache in my heart mimicked the ache in my abdomen.  Each twinge, each cramp, piercing my soul.  Reminding me of what was gone.  What I was losing.

And now I am left wondering.  Is this it?  Is this the end?  We've passed the due date, the anniversary of the pregnancy test, and now the anniversary of the miscarriage.  Surly now I will stop envisioning a third child with the girls.  I will stop telling myself, I could have had a four-month-old right now.

But I know it's not true.  I know that this baby will never be forgotten, nor would I ever want it to be.  Maybe it won't happen all the time (because it already doesn't), but I know that I will periodically, for the rest of my life, look at the girls and see their little sibling next to them.

Because even though I never got to meet him, or hold her, or find out if it was a him or her, this baby will be with me forever.  Which is exactly how it should be.

I just wish I could hold her in more than just my heart.

xoxo.
Christine

10 comments:

  1. A tough day, for sure. Be in the moment - it's ok to feel however you feel today. Praying for you today, especially!

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    1. Sometimes it's hard to remember that it's okay to feel the feelings. Thanks for the reminder.

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  2. I think the best way to heal your heart is to listen to it and you are doing just that. Take the time you need and take care of yourself the way you need to.

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    1. Yes, taking care of myself, I need to remember to do this.

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  3. Christine, this blog was so beautifully written and so heartfelt. It made me cry. I think it is so good for you to express these feelings. It is so difficult for me to do so that you are such a hero to me. Know that you're not alone in this - unfortunately. And I really, really have to believe that one day, we'll meet our little angels. Hugs! xxoo L

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    1. Oh Lynda, and you are a hero to me. I'm so sorry that you know the pain, too. And yes, I try to remember that one day all mothers will get a chance to hold their lost babies. Hugs to you too, my dear! xo

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss.. Yesterday was the day I started my miscarriage. It is a horribly hard thing to go through..

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    1. I am so sorry! You are in my thoughts!!

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