I thought I was going to be okay today. In fact, until about five minutes ago, I really was. I could think about one year ago and not get tears in my eyes. Now my heart just feels so heavy I want to curl up and cry.
The due date passed back in March, but today was the day I lost the baby. Not the day the doctor called me to tell me my hormone levels were dropping. But the day I actually miscarried. The day I wondered with every flush of the toilet if I was flushing my baby down too.
I still remember being on the couch when I got the call. Putting the TV on mute, hearing my doctor tell me my numbers from the Friday blood draw and the Monday blood draw. Her asking if I was okay.
The cold. I remember the cold. How, even though I was expecting them, her words felt like a blast of cold air, my heart fluttering and flipping and falling into my stomach.
And a few days later, in a crazy rain storm, I called my mom asking her to watch the girls so that I could run to the store for some pads. I was not prepared for soaking up my body's traitorous failure.
The rain soaked my skin, matting down my clothes, matching my outside to my inside. Only to really match it I would need to be ravaged by a wild animal. The ache in my heart mimicked the ache in my abdomen. Each twinge, each cramp, piercing my soul. Reminding me of what was gone. What I was losing.
And now I am left wondering. Is this it? Is this the end? We've passed the due date, the anniversary of the pregnancy test, and now the anniversary of the miscarriage. Surly now I will stop envisioning a third child with the girls. I will stop telling myself, I could have had a four-month-old right now.
But I know it's not true. I know that this baby will never be forgotten, nor would I ever want it to be. Maybe it won't happen all the time (because it already doesn't), but I know that I will periodically, for the rest of my life, look at the girls and see their little sibling next to them.
Because even though I never got to meet him, or hold her, or find out if it was a him or her, this baby will be with me forever. Which is exactly how it should be.
I just wish I could hold her in more than just my heart.