I feel like October (now that it's October, by the way, how did that happen?) is the unofficial start to my Happiness Revival. Except that all I'm really doing is reading books, maybe jotting down a few ideas, and making half-hearted attempts to come up with some resolutions. I kinda feel like I should have a major plan and be implementing it right now.
I used to be fun. I used to be light hearted and silly and just... fun. In middle school a couple friends and I tried to sell baby carrots door-to-door. Just to be goofy. In high school I used to drive around town and take random pictures with friends: wearing big hats and sunglasses in Target, pretending to ride the little cow by Dairy Queen, posing crazy in front of corn fields. A friend and I walked neighborhoods making up off-the-wall backgrounds about the home owners.
I used to run and skip and dance. I use to laugh and sing. When I was a little girl I had stories in my head that would go on for days. My imagination was in constant motion, I was brimming with adventure.
And now I feel so unadventurous, so un-silly, so un-fun. Maybe part of it all is just the disappearance of childhood. The innocence and ease and carefree moments of being a child slip away as we grow older. It's harder to hold on to all those qualities as age and maturity and life happen. But I want to find those qualities again. I'm going to find those qualities again.
It's just, being a fun person feels so hard some times. It takes so much energy. Energy I don't have. Or, I tell myself I don't have it and then I'm like a self-fulfilling prophecy because where is my energy going to come from if I'm constantly reminding myself how tired I am and how little energy I have.
Perhaps it's time to adopt a different mindset. (I know, this is only occurring to me now? Really?) I hate to admit it but sometimes all I have to do is act the way I want to be, and it helps me actually feel that way. At least, to a certain degree.
My sister and I used to both be very reserved and quiet people. She admitted to me once that she wanted to change that about herself, so she started to just act like she was more outgoing than she really felt. The result? It stopped becoming an act, and became her true self. She is now a less reserved person.
Her experience is my lesson. If I want to have more energy, start by pretending I have more energy. If I want to feel happier, start by acting happier. It may not be the exact answer, but it's a start. And if I want to revive my spirit to it's former happiness, I've got to start somewhere.
Today is going to be a happy day.