When we found out that Calvin was going to die, there were so many overwhelming emotions that flooded my body. My husband and I spent the hours between our ultrasound and our appointment with the specialist and the hours after talking and talking and talking. And even though I didn't even know exactly how I would answer the question, I asked him a question that I desperately felt I needed to know.
Do you think you'll ever want to try again?
And to my surprise his answer was a firm and resounding "yes". I wasn't sure what I would feel months from that moment, but at that moment in time I could not imagine wanting to be pregnant again or even feeling ready to try.
As the days turned to weeks, I felt more and more certain that I would not be wanting to try for another baby.
The day that we left the hospital without our son, my husband lovingly told me that having another baby was completely up to me. That we could be done with our two girls in our arms, we could start trying in two days, or two years. It was completely my decision.
These words filled my heart and made me cry.
At my first doctor visit, post delivery, my doctor informed me that there was a possibility that they would recommend waiting a year to try for another baby. Not feeling ready to think about it, I just brushed it aside.
But the more the thoughts twirled in my head, the more I realized I was not okay with that. It was one thing for me to not want to have anymore kids, it was a completely different thing for someone to tell me I couldn't. (Or in this case, that I had to wait.)
In just a short while, I realized that I wanted to try for another baby. That, for me, even knowing that how things would turn out with Calvin, I would go back and do it all again. Even though I know he would die. Having those few months with him was better than never knowing him at all. This made me decide firmly that I wanted to try for another baby. I will never regret trying for a baby. Never.
And as frightening as it was (and is) to think about something going wrong again, a firm and definite feeling has taken ahold of me and confirmed that trying for another child is where I should be.
So, the decision was made, and even though I am terrified and worried and extremely hesitant to make any official announcements. This is my unofficial-official announcement: I am pregnant, due at the end of July.