We are in the middle of the winter doldrums around here. Which almost takes me by surprise every year because February is the shortest month of the year, so shouldn't it be quick and easy? There also was a lovely January thaw, yet even with weather warm enough for a light jacket, now that the cold is here again I'm running on fumes.
My mind is slow and groggy, like my thoughts are wading through sticky, slurpy mud. In fact, yesterday I was supposed to take a friend and her two kids to the airport and I completely forgot. Not only did I forget, but I was out of the house, my cellphone forgotten on the table at home. I can only imagine her stress (and annoyance) when she couldn't get ahold of me and had to make the decision to drive herself. And pay to park her car.
The whole mess left me nauseated and breathless. I just kept thinking about how she must've felt and how the sudden and unexpected change in plans left the beginning of her vacation with a sour taste (and unnecessary added anxiety). Luckily, they made it to their flight. I'm not even letting myself entertain a scenario that ends with them missing the plane.
I know that it's mostly okay and it was an honest mistake. (Is there such a think as an honest or a dishonest mistake? I'm not even sure I know what that means.) In any case, they are happily on their vacation and I've even gotten a few friendly and forgiving texts. But every time I think of yesterday, ugh, the guilt.
Six-month-baby-brain, wrangling-three-kids, winter doldrums, there is no excuse, no reason for how and why I forgot. It is just so unlike me to completely forget something like that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I'm pretty sure I'll be holding onto my guilt over this much longer than anyone else. I tend to be extraordinary at not forgiving myself very easily.
Though I know it's not the end of the world, and she certainly seems to have already moved on, for some reason it's easy to hold onto those yucky feelings in the middle of a grey and cold winter. I just hope these long cold days move quickly and that each sunrise toward the warmer weather helps me distance myself from that terrible feeling of disappointing someone I love.
In the meantime, I'm up for plenty of warm coffees and long naps. The best cure for a foggy brain (and guilt) I know.