Last night, in the safety of darkness I published a post admitting my depression (diagnosed in college). And then this morning I removed it. If I am talking with a person one-on-one and the topic comes up, I am open about my mental illness. But the thought of telling a group of people (or the internet) kind of makes me want to throw up.
Why say anything then?
I like writing here. And right now, because of my emotional health, I can't fake it. I can't write about happy and joy and good feelings. Trust me, I want to. I want to write it, I want to feel it, but I just can't. So if I'm going to be here (and I need to be here), then I have to be honest with what is going on and how I'm feeling. (Even if it makes me want to lose my breakfast.)
Part of the anxiety about sharing is the possibility of judgement, which is a lot less scary when I'm chatting one-on-one. And part of it is that, honestly, my depression is usually managed. Most of the time I truly am fine. And I hate the idea of any time I have a bad day (or even a bad moment) someone thinking, "Uh oh, she's spiraling down," or "She totally needs to see her therapist," or something like that.
Most of the time a bad day is just a bad day.
But, because of how I am doing right now, I have to be open. I am not doing a good job of pretending to be fine. So instead of writing my feelings and emotions here and causing my friends and family to worry that I need to seek help and I'm unaware of it, I am making it clear that I already do, I already am.
I know that at this moment I am not in a good place. But I also know that very soon I will be, I can be. And I'm doing the necessary things to make that happen, right now.