Aug 22, 2012

Hoping for Light

It started raining here today, and I feel it feeding my mood.  Dark from the cloud-filled sky, like the darkness in my mind, cloudy from thinking.  I am worn down.  I am on edge.  I am not feeling the brightness of sun from this morning, only the gloom from the right now.

Rain sounds nice, but seems to be reminding me of tears.  For some reason my body does not release them, only collects them inside, waiting for the perfect conditions to let them flow out.

The thunder and lightening, my thoughts.  Loud and jumbled, pulsing through my head.  Quick and too bright, flashing here and there.

I am overwhelmed.  I am nervous.  I am worried.

I see a therapist once a month, a psychiatrist once a month, and am currently on two medications filled once a month.  The bills, they are everywhere.  A reminder of something wrong.  A strain on me.  A strain on us.

Cutting back here, scrimping there, budgeting everywhere.  Always budgeting.

I worry.  And I wonder.  What can I do?  How can I fix this?  How can I make it easier?  I feel guilt, because, after all, this is because of me.  My issues.  My fault.

The rain is soft and slow.  And even though it feels sad, it also feels good.  The cool air breezing through the screen, the smell of wet grass, the much-needed drink for our earth.  The rain, it always comes, but then, so does the sun, peaking through the clouds and bringing with it, light.


xoxo.
Christine


4 comments:

  1. So beautifully written- can hear your struggle in your words.

    But please remember that this is not your fault. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. It's hard to remember sometimes...

      Delete

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