I miss my son.
As much as I obsess about this current pregnancy and the potential for losing it, this pregnancy has also provided me with a distraction from my grief of losing Calvin. I'm pretty sure that I have been avoiding some feelings, and pushing things down, slightly aware that my grief will come back and take me by surprise. That sometime in the future I will need to do more processing, that which I am avoiding right now.
We still talk about Calvin. (Of course we do.) Paige will bring up Baby Calvin. Hope will point up toward the sky in reference to him always being with us. His name doesn't come up all the time, but it happens most often when we talk about our family, and even when we talk about this baby who is currently growing within me. When Hope drew a picture of our family as flowers she included the four of us, the baby in my belly, and a teeny tiny daisy for baby Calvin - since he was teeny tiny.
The past two nights my heart has felt heavy, my body overwhelmed with emotion, my tears flowing freely. I want to hold him again. I want to kiss him again. I want to tell him I love him. I want to hear him cry, even though we never got to.
I've been sleeping with one of his blankets. One of the blankets he never really got to use. It had a spot by my pillow for many months, but the past two nights I've held it against my heart. It's just symbolic since it never got to become his own, but it's all I can do to feel closeness and comfort. It's all I can do for my grief.