My heart has felt weighted lately. The part devoted to the loss of my son is pulling down more than usual, washing me over in melancholy, sorrow, and fear. Although I know that things are just as they are supposed to be, and I would never trade the baby I have for the one I lost, I still sometimes wish that I could have both. That the way things are supposed to be include one toddler boy and one infant girl, who get smothered with love from their two older sisters.
He feels very far away right now, my son. I can not imagine what it means to raise a boy. I can not picture what he would look like or be like. I am reaching out to him, but it's as if I'm reaching for a cloud or a rainbow. My hands either go straight through and grasp at nothing, or he is always just out of my reach. Every time I move closer he moves farther away. Yet, despite my sadness, I am afraid to look at photos and examine what is currently pumping through my heart.
The memories of him seem so distant that I'm afraid they never happened. What did it feel like when I found out I was pregnant? How were those first few months before we knew anything was wrong? How did we tell our girls?
How did I feel him, trying to grow within me?
What did it feel like to hold him?
How was my relationship with my husband when we lost our son? I have a vague recollection of feeling really good and close and having an amazing perspective on life and what is important. I remember being desperate to keep that perspective forever.
I'm afraid we've lost that.
I'm afraid that what we learned from our son, what we gained in losing him, has faded. Perhaps into nothing at all. What was it all for?
I'm sorry, my baby, that you seem so far away. I'm sorry that I'm too scared to look at pictures and read your book. I'm sorry that you do not get to be here with us, evening out our little family, fighting with your baby sister for our attention.
I love you, Calvin John. I love you, I love you, I love you.
PS. If you want a wonderful perspective on the ongoing grief of losing a child, Jessica at Four Plus an Angel wrote this beautiful post that a friend shared with me. Grief is like carrying a stone.