Minty Mochas Already

I did it.

I had my first "holiday" coffee from my favorite coffee shop.

Snowflakes and mittens and holiday season decorations everywhere.

I don't even feel bad about it. It tasted that delicious.

It doesn't feel like November though, despite what the calendar says. And it certainly doesn't feel like the holiday season, even though every retail store is trying to convince us otherwise.. The weather is unseasonably warm (I am not complaining) and that by itself makes winter feel far far away. (Thank goodness.)

But I am hopping aboard the holiday shopping bandwagon. However, it's only because I want to take a cue from some others and get all the consumerism done by the end of November so that December can be spent focusing on memory-making, traditions, and that cozy family time. I don't want to shove Christmas down my kids throats at the beginning of November, but we might casually mention that Santa no longer takes requests after Thanksgiving.

I'm pretty sure I wrote about this last year. And I pretty much feel the same way this year.

I am not excited for the cold and snow (yet), but I am getting excited for the magical feeling of the holidays, that sparkly warm feeling that radiates out of people, the generosity that overflows, the traditions that are started and those that continue, and the sweet treats that show up only this time of year.

Don't worry though. I'm not forgetting about Thanksgiving. I could never forget Thanksgiving.

Here's to another holiday coffee tomorrow! And a little bit of the holiday spirit sneaking into your heart!

xoxo, christine

And the Thunder Rolls

In the far off distance, I hear a quiet roll of thunder. I can tell that it is gradually making it's way toward me, toward us. I can't tell what kind of storm it will be. If it is the loud window-rattling crashing that causes my senses to heighten because I fear the storm's damage. Or if it is the kind of storm with a few bright splashes of light and quiet rumbles that feels like a much-needed shower, washing away the dirt and old and bringing a reawakening the earth when it is over.

Is it the rain that pelts so hard it stings your skin? Or is the rain that falls gently in big drops - the kind of rain that makes you want to put on your rain boots and dance outside?

There have been signs of an impending storm for months. I have done everything from bury my head and pretend I can't hear it, to pasting on a fake smile and pretending I'm not nervous or worried, to falling apart and anticipating the worst.

Is it always like this with change?

I can hear it coming, but I'm not sure if it's something to fear or to dread. Probably a little of both, to be honest, but change can be scary and overwhelming and does not always bring out the best in me.

I have discovered, as I anticipate my day-to-day routine changes, that I have really enjoyed where I am and what has worked for our family thus far. I am not a an über-stay-at-home mom. It is not my forte, I am not good at juggling the laundry, cleaning, child-rearing, and everything in between. However, as change hovers on the horizon I can tell you with certainty that I am incredibly glad that this is where I've been able to be the past seven and half years. I can confidently say that I like being a stay-at-home mom, even on the days I want to run out of the house screaming as soon as my husband comes home.

Being home with my kids has been a great gift for me. And even though I haven't always felt this way, and it's taken me quite awhile to realize it, I am so thankful that this is what worked for our family.

Maybe that is why the thunder is the distance is giving me so much pause. I am afraid to lose some of what I am so grateful for. Except, I know that there are so many more good things coming with the rain. I'm just hoping it doesn't sting too much.

xoxo, christine

Warming Up Old Muscles

I have not been writing much lately. Not here, not in a journal, not anywhere. At first it felt foreign, stressful even, not taking the time to sit down and put down some words. But as the time went on, the feeling of writing and what that means for me slipped further away, until the wholeness that writing used to give me was nothing but a ghost of it's former self.

I could hardly remember the feeling of wanting it, of needing it. And the more time that passed without writing, the more I convinced myself that I guess I wasn't that interested in it. I guess it wasn't as big a part of me as I thought.

And I'm still unsure, even though sometimes I miss it.

I've always had a hard time sticking to something that doesn't have an obligation or expectation put on me by someone else.

In any case, a blogger I follow seems to have been experiencing something similar. And she put it all into words that spoke so much to me. At the end of October I decided to try to write every day during the month of November. And apparently, so has she:

I'm trying to blog everyday this November. Not because I really want to blog anymore, but because I want to write again. I want to exercise that muscle with words that have been sitting inside my head for many months. Writing is still a sweet release that unburdens my heart and gives me peace. I've been missing that. But I guess not missing it enough that I've taken the time to say hi here lately.

Anyway, it's a good post. I feel similarly to what she is saying. Blogging does not feel the same to me as it used to, although I do sometimes miss writing. Not blogging, just writing. Mostly I miss giving myself time to think and put those thoughts onto paper. I miss giving myself the time and permission to do something I enjoy.

So, here's to November. To stretching out my writing muscles. To deep breaths and open minds and letting out that sweet release.

And to more beautiful fall days full of the warmth of a full and happy heart.

xoxo, christine

For Reese

Today I remember a special baby girl and the family that should have been celebrating her first birthday. I don't understand. And it isn't fair. There is nothing right about losing a child. Ever.

Today I held space in my heart. I let her family know that I remembered.

We have a blue candle that we got for Calvin. We light it on the day he was delivered, and any other day we feel like it. But it hasn't been lit since this past August. Except that I took it down and lit it today. At 4:47.

We lit the candle and sat down and read our book. The book that we read for Calvin. Except that today it wasn't for my lost baby. It was for someone else's.

It was for Reese.

Halloweekend

It's November. It's November!?!? It's November!

How in the world is it already November? I am pretty much open to it being the Christmas season before Thanksgiving. I'm okay with it. I accept it. I even embrace it. I am not, however, embracing Christmas before Halloween. But, now that Halloween is over, it's time to break out the Christmas music!

Okay, I might not be quite ready for that, but it does feel like all-of-a-sudden October is over and Christmas is quietly lurking around the corner, waiting to sneak up on me and take me by surprise.

***
But first: Halloween.

Halloween was great. It was wonderful. It was more lovely and exciting than I expected, mostly because I was expecting it to be terribly stressful and overwhelming. The kids were happy and excited and Nora was pretty much the most adorable trick-or-treater ever. (Not that I'm bias or anything.) She had no clue what was going on but as soon as the first house put candy in her bucket she knew she wanted more. I only kept her out for a few blocks, but even as her head started to bob on my shoulder she refused to let me carry her bucket for her. No way was she letting anyone else touch her precious goodies.

(She has this adorable thing where when someone asks her a question she will answer it by her eyes getting wide and either shaking her head no, or nodding her head yes. Sometimes I'm not sure she actually knows what we're asking, but other times, oh she knows. Last night when
I offered to carry her candy, I got those big wide eyes and a couple of shakes of the head.)

The older girls lasted so much longer than they ever have in the past, previously coming home with buckets filled half way, and this year filling it up to the tippy top. This year I let them eat as much candy as they wanted after we got home. A totally new and foreign concept to all of us. But nobody complained of a bellyache (except me) and nobody threw up, so I'm pretty glad that I was able to just let them really indulge for one night.

Now of course it's back to the tough love of limiting candy. (I say as I sit here stuffing a Baby Ruth bar into my mouth. Shh...)

October was a good month, ending on the perfect note of children giggling and skipping down the street, of joy and excitement dressing up in favorite costumes, of sugar high after sugar high followed by a crash onto pillows, and so so much love and family.

Happy end of Halloweekend to everyone! And a big and happy welcome to November!

xoxo, christine

Transitions

We are all over the place with transitions right now.

*****

The adjustment and transition of adding a toddler to two older kids isn't quite as smooth and calm as it was with a baby. It's not even because of the literal toddling around that she is doing. She is growing, and so is her personality, and so is her drive. She is a feisty little thing, who is daring and determined. And I love her little big personality. I love it with every fiber of my being, but by the end of the day, whew, I am left exhausted.

I do not remember fourteen months being so demanding and needy. And yet, as we move further and further into the season, I have vague recollections of stubborn toddlers throwing themselves on the floor, or crinkling up their noses, or pointing adamantly at what they want (and are not getting) and screaming. I have a renewed appreciation for nap time. (Not that I was ever taking it for granted.)

*****

Also, I have recently taken it upon myself to (re)learn how to sew. For a very good reason, Adam has gained priority to the computer in the evenings, which limits its availability for writing (we have one computer and no, I can not do much writing during the day because of said fourteen-month-old). So since my creative soul was not getting what it needed from words, I turned to fabric and my mother's sewing machine.

*****

We have spent a lot of time lately discussing and contemplating what we are doing, what we want to be doing, what makes us happy, what we want for our lives, what we want for our family, where we are and where we want to be. I have spent many hours logging in thoughts on what I want and what I need and what our family needs.

I can not say that I ever imagined living in my "starter home" with three kids at age thirty-three. But then, I don't think I ever really could imagine what my life would look like at thirty-three at all. There are so many things that I am in love with about our life. There is so much that brings me happiness and joy.

But I can't help feeling like there is a whole part of my psyche, a whole big part of my soul that is unexplored and unexamined. I feel like it's that whole "you only use 2% of your brain" type of thing, except that I can (and should) be able to be using more. I have never been good at deeply exploring what makes me happy. What I am interested in. What makes me feel the most alive. I have never been a fall-head-first-into-something-and-gain-as-much-knowledge-and-experience-as-I-can type person. I am much more of a do-several-things-average/mediocre rather than become-an-expert-at-one-thing.

My husband recently cautioned me against spreading myself too thin and while I don't necessarily think it's happening, I understand and appreciate the sentiment. I tend to find something and dabble, until something gets in the way and suddenly it's too hard and too much work.

There is a part of me that thinks I need to change this. I need to fix this. And then there's a part of me that wonders if it's okay for that to just be who I am. If it's okay for me to give up every time I feel like it because if I really loved it, if it was a true passion, that drive and fire would be ignited and I would think it worth the difficulty and work to continue.

And then I go back to just wondering if I'm lazy. In which case it is most definitely something I need to change.

*****

And speaking of change, I do not like it. I have a hard time with it. I like things the way that I like them and I don't want things changing unless they change in a way that I want and I decide.

*****

Also, I'm looking for a part-time job.

And I have nothing else to say about that.

*****

All this to say, there is lot going on over here right now. It is good and exciting and scary and terrible (except not terrible), but the Being in Transitions right now is putting me all over the place. I am up and down and side to side and topsy turvy and mixed up and all around. And in it all I am trying to find what calms me, what quiets my non-stop internal conversations and gives me peace.

xoxo, christine

Pumpkin Flavored Back-to-School

It's back-to-school time which means that every social media newsfeed is full of first day of school photos, the heavy sticky air is replaced with a cool crispness, the bright green tree tops are transitioning to yellows and reds, and pumpkin-flavored everything can be found in every cafe.

Of course, our school started last week, when pretty much the only accurate part of that previous statement was the pumpkin-flavored everything. Somehow mother nature didn't get the autumn memo come September first and we reached temperatures in the nineties just in time for my kids to be in air-condition-free classrooms.

Today it actually does have a hint of autumn to the air, which makes me simultaneously happy (I love fall!) and depressed (I'm not ready for winter!).

This year I sent two kids off on the bus, and the only reason I didn't bawl was because of the huge smile Paige managed to have climbing onto the bus. Our first week was pretty jumbled and unexpected because of an unanticipated illness causing Hope to be sent home on her first day. (She gets to claim the "first child sent home sick from school" award from the school nurse.)

In any case, because of that she was not able to be on the bus with Paige for Paige's first day. Cue my mama heart almost exploding with terror and fear. But Paige handled it with more poise and maturity than I ever would have thought and asked (all my herself) the little girl at our bus stop if they could sit together. Thus, Paige's huge smile as the bus took her away, and my heart not completely splattered all over the pavement.

I can not believe that my two big girls are in school all day, and although I wish I could be one of those moms that claps her hands and does a back-to-school dance, I'm much more in the 'I miss my babies', holding-back-the-tears camp.

It does help me having Nora and home and we are s-l-o-w-l-y finding our own rythm to these week days. I'm not used to just having a little one at home so I feel like I should be able to get so much done (look at me cook and clean and clean and do stuff and and and), except that Nora's a little more needy than a five-year-old or a seven-year-old so my To Do list isn't getting crossed off quite as quickly as I was hoping.

For all of my complaining and whining and struggles though, I like it. I really do. I like that it has worked for our family for me to stay home. I like that I am available for sick-child-at-school-pick-up and middle of the day grocery runs and field trip volunteers. I like that I pack the lunches and see the big girls off on the bus each morning. I like that I was able to do Mommy and Me classes with each of my girls and have play dates and go to parks and wander aimlessly pushing a stroller around the mall in the middle of winter. I like that I can sit on the floor and play Little People with Nora as she climbs on my lap.

It will be good, this year, I know. I'm not quite plugging my fingers in my ears and running in the opposite direction of my kids growing up and school starting, but I'm not quite ready to fully embrace it yet either. This transition to back-to-school and homework and fall activities and changes in schedules is an adjustment, sometimes more so for me than for anyone else in my family. But it will be good. I know it will.

Now excuse me while I try to get myself in the spirit with some pumpkin muffins.

xoxo, christine