Mar 28, 2012

The Things I Wish

I watched 19 Kids & Counting last night.  It is not a regular show for me, but as I was flipping through the channels I got sucked in.  It was the episode where they found out they lost their twentieth baby.

Probably not the best choice of viewing, given recent events.

To tell you the truth, I was okay.  But of course, it made me sad too.

I wish that things could have been different for us.  (Obviously I wish we hadn't lost the baby at all, but even in losing the baby I wish there were things we could have known or done.)

I wish that we could have known if it was a boy or girl.  I wish we could have named the baby.  I wish that we could have said goodbye.

Knowing these things, I'm sure, would not make me feel any differently about losing the baby.  But if we were able to do these things, to know these things, than maybe I would feel like other people could better understand why it is so hard for me.

That I lost a baby.

Without a gender, without a name, without a real way to say goodbye, I feel like people don't see that.  They don't understand that this loss is real.  This loss is deep.

I lost a baby, so of course I am sad.  And being sad?  That's okay.


Linking with up with Shell.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss - and even though I have not been there, I fully believe that it is a deep, real loss. It is okay to be sad, and to grieve in whatever way you need.

    Sending love your way tonight, and saying a prayer for your family.

  2. Oh my gosh I am so sorry, I'm so sorry I haven't been here lately to support you through your loss and I am so sorry you have been through this at all. You are in my thoughts and I'm here if you need me.

  3. I am so sorry. I've been through this before too. And it is HARD. Please know my thoughts are with you.

  4. I'm so sorry and you can be sad, angry, devastated,empty...anything. Losses are difficult.

  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending lots of love. xo

  6. I have lost little ones, too - in the 11th week, the 10th week, the 7th week, and a couple in the first 2-3 weeks. Loss is loss, plain and simple. It's never easy. And it is okay to be sad. Very okay. Grief is a process that you must go through to heal. And you DO heal. Trust me on that. In time, it hurts less. But you always feel that loss, to some extent. It just becomes a part of you, of who you are, and you just get used to it, I guess.
    Sending you hugs...from someone who understands.

  7. HUgs and love. So sorry for your family's loss.

  8. Thinking about you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Really. xoxo


Any thoughts? I'd love to hear from you!