The Things I Wish

I watched 19 Kids & Counting last night.  It is not a regular show for me, but as I was flipping through the channels I got sucked in.  It was the episode where they found out they lost their twentieth baby.

Probably not the best choice of viewing, given recent events.

To tell you the truth, I was okay.  But of course, it made me sad too.

I wish that things could have been different for us.  (Obviously I wish we hadn't lost the baby at all, but even in losing the baby I wish there were things we could have known or done.)

I wish that we could have known if it was a boy or girl.  I wish we could have named the baby.  I wish that we could have said goodbye.

Knowing these things, I'm sure, would not make me feel any differently about losing the baby.  But if we were able to do these things, to know these things, than maybe I would feel like other people could better understand why it is so hard for me.

That I lost a baby.

Without a gender, without a name, without a real way to say goodbye, I feel like people don't see that.  They don't understand that this loss is real.  This loss is deep.

I lost a baby, so of course I am sad.  And being sad?  That's okay.




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Linking with up with Shell.