I'm in a funk. I think it only started yesterday, although I suppose I can't be certain. Except, I'm pretty sure I was feeling fine on Monday. Anyway, it's not really important. Perhaps my sad mood is due to the rain. Rainy days past, rainy days right now, with more rainy days ahead. Or perhaps it is because subconsciously my emotions were telling me that I am nearing the point in pregnancy when we lost Calvin.
I was between twenty-eight and twenty-nine weeks pregnant he died. I am twenty-eight weeks and one day pregnant today. My previous pregnancy has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been thinking about what it means to lose a baby. But I can't quite seem to wrap my head around it.
Some days are like that I suppose. Grief is like that. Some days it feels fresh and raw. Some days can go by where I hardly think about all we went through last year. And then some days it feels just out of my reach, like a dream I am trying to grasp at or a vision that I can't quite focus on.
How did we get here?
Where exactly is "here"?
I love this baby growing inside me. But I am afraid of loving this baby, too. She already brings so much joy and excitement to our lives, yet I'm terrified of losing her. I'm terrified of the sadness her arrival will inevitably bring forth. Joy for her, of course. But sadness for my most recent birth experience that did not end with a living baby.
When I think about what our life could look like, I don't even know what to picture. April marked eight months since Calvin's death, but had he been healthy, he most likely would've been born about six months ago. I guess that's why looking at "could" or "should" doesn't really work. The reality is where we're at now, not what "could" or "should" have happened.
(And besides all that, I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby if Calvin had been delivered full term. That's a whole other complication I can't even scratch the surface of.)
I know that a lot of my thoughts and feelings are normal. I know that there will be a full rainbow of emotions that appear throughout this pregnancy after loss and my grief. I know that feelings will come and go and there will be triggers, some I can prepare for and others that take me by surprise. I know I am doing the best that I can, riding the waves as best I can, just hoping I can take them one at a time and that none of them drag me under for too long.
And I have to accept that it is possible to feel sadness over losing Calvin, and happiness about this baby girl curled up under my ribs all at the same time. Somehow, the heart is hard at work, embracing the complexity of joy and grief together.
xoxo, christine
Apr 30, 2014
Apr 28, 2014
An End to Radio Silence
It's been awhile. Not because I have been too busy, or have nothing new going on, or have no thoughts in my mind. In fact I have been spending significantly less time watching TV (especially in the evenings where it's been replaced with reading), we went on a short spring break trip to the Texas coast, and the thoughts in my head are ever-present and overflowing, just perhaps not clear and concise and coherent enough to find the words to share.
To be honest, every time I even think about sitting down to write a post, I realize I'm not even sure what's been on my mind, or that the thoughts in my head are all jumbled and mixed together and the words just aren't clear. It's the words, the words are elusive.
The pregnancy has been going well, with the biggest highlight a passing grade on my glucose screening test. I was disproportionately thrilled by the results, expecting to fail because with both first two pregnancies I missed passing by a few points and was banished to repeat the test with twice as much liquid and three hours at the doctor. I can not describe the wretchedness that one must drink for this test. Only that the flavors are orange, lemon/lime, and fruit punch, which because I had to drink five different times I can expertly report they are all equally awful. And that the sweetness is nothing I have ever experienced before -- not in a good way. (This coming from someone who loves sugary coffee drinks and almost any type of dessert.)
Spring appears to finally be coming out of hiding, formerly lurking in the dark corners of the snow piles, occasionally teasing us with one sixty degree day here and there. Of course, as I currently write this we are at the beginning of a chilly and rainy week and even though I see the grass greening up, I stare out the window and long for a way to transport our life (and families) to San Diego.
We are in the middle of major transitions in our house, including, but not limited to, the musical bedrooms we play as we prepare space for our newest family member. And while we paint and rearrange toys and move furniture, I am eager to purge our house (and life) of unneeded, unused, and unwanted items. The amount of stuff that we have feels suffocating and I am itching to get it out of the house. Perhaps this is also part of the spring weather (Spring Cleaning?) and pregnancy (Nesting?).
Despite my silence on the blog, things have been continuing on here, with a lot less silence in the day-to-day, and in my mind. I am hopeful that I can give myself more space and time to write, even if it's only in a journal. The writing and photography seem to be a perpetual state of neglect lately (the last few years?) and I am scrambling to nourish and fertilize those interests more regularly.
Happy Spring!
xoxo, christine
To be honest, every time I even think about sitting down to write a post, I realize I'm not even sure what's been on my mind, or that the thoughts in my head are all jumbled and mixed together and the words just aren't clear. It's the words, the words are elusive.
The pregnancy has been going well, with the biggest highlight a passing grade on my glucose screening test. I was disproportionately thrilled by the results, expecting to fail because with both first two pregnancies I missed passing by a few points and was banished to repeat the test with twice as much liquid and three hours at the doctor. I can not describe the wretchedness that one must drink for this test. Only that the flavors are orange, lemon/lime, and fruit punch, which because I had to drink five different times I can expertly report they are all equally awful. And that the sweetness is nothing I have ever experienced before -- not in a good way. (This coming from someone who loves sugary coffee drinks and almost any type of dessert.)
Spring appears to finally be coming out of hiding, formerly lurking in the dark corners of the snow piles, occasionally teasing us with one sixty degree day here and there. Of course, as I currently write this we are at the beginning of a chilly and rainy week and even though I see the grass greening up, I stare out the window and long for a way to transport our life (and families) to San Diego.
We are in the middle of major transitions in our house, including, but not limited to, the musical bedrooms we play as we prepare space for our newest family member. And while we paint and rearrange toys and move furniture, I am eager to purge our house (and life) of unneeded, unused, and unwanted items. The amount of stuff that we have feels suffocating and I am itching to get it out of the house. Perhaps this is also part of the spring weather (Spring Cleaning?) and pregnancy (Nesting?).
Despite my silence on the blog, things have been continuing on here, with a lot less silence in the day-to-day, and in my mind. I am hopeful that I can give myself more space and time to write, even if it's only in a journal. The writing and photography seem to be a perpetual state of neglect lately (the last few years?) and I am scrambling to nourish and fertilize those interests more regularly.
Happy Spring!
xoxo, christine
Apr 7, 2014
All-of-a-sudden, She is Four
Yesterday my sweet Little P turned four. Normally I like to have a post up for their actual birthdays (so of course I feel guilty that this is a day late for Paige), but with all the birthday preparations on Saturday and then the actual celebrating on Sunday, writing a blog post (even one as important as a birthday one) didn't seem quite as high a priority.
So, Happy Birthday, Paige!
When she got up this morning I swear she seemed bigger and older. As I've been telling EVERYONE, it felt like she was three-years-old for way more than one year, but on the other hand she totally does not seem old enough to be four. I mean, she still feels like a baby to me, and four-years-old is so much more Little Lady than baby.
As much as I want to hold them forever and ever and let them never grow up, of course I am happy that they are growing up. And oh-my-goodness is Paige ever growing up. She is growing into such a beautiful little girl.
I love the way her little hand always finds mine, and is quick to fold my fingers over her hand if I don't respond fast enough. I love that she occasionally puts seventeen clips in her hair and loves to wear fancy dresses and sing her own song while dancing.
And I love the way she dances. I love how hard she concentrates in her dance class, wide eyes on her teacher, but I love even more when she feels the need to randomly dance around the house or down the sidewalk. I love that she jumps and turns and throws out her arms.
I love the way she runs down the street to meet her sister's bus. And how today she described Hope as her Best Buddy. I love how she tore into each present on her birthday, yet wouldn't throw the scraps on the floor but carefully collected them into her hand, passing them to me when her hands got too full.
I love that she discovered a new like of jeans and kicking soccer balls and swinging a bat, yet she seems as delicate as always, disgusted if her hands get too dirty or a spoonful of oatmeal falls onto the table.
I love that she's not afraid to wear what she wants and like what she wants, even if that means something different than what her sister or friends wear or like.
I love that she wears her emotions on her sleeve, even when those emotions are stressful or difficult to deal with.
Everything about my newly four-year-old makes my heart overflow with love.
Paige, you are my beautiful sunshine. I love you so much, and wish for so many wonderful things for you. Happy, happy Birthday!
xoxo, mommy
** I had beautiful photos of my second born to include with this birthday post, but of course my computer is being evil and not letting me attach any photos. (Which is nothing new for this old thing.)
So, Happy Birthday, Paige!
When she got up this morning I swear she seemed bigger and older. As I've been telling EVERYONE, it felt like she was three-years-old for way more than one year, but on the other hand she totally does not seem old enough to be four. I mean, she still feels like a baby to me, and four-years-old is so much more Little Lady than baby.
As much as I want to hold them forever and ever and let them never grow up, of course I am happy that they are growing up. And oh-my-goodness is Paige ever growing up. She is growing into such a beautiful little girl.
I love the way her little hand always finds mine, and is quick to fold my fingers over her hand if I don't respond fast enough. I love that she occasionally puts seventeen clips in her hair and loves to wear fancy dresses and sing her own song while dancing.
And I love the way she dances. I love how hard she concentrates in her dance class, wide eyes on her teacher, but I love even more when she feels the need to randomly dance around the house or down the sidewalk. I love that she jumps and turns and throws out her arms.
I love the way she runs down the street to meet her sister's bus. And how today she described Hope as her Best Buddy. I love how she tore into each present on her birthday, yet wouldn't throw the scraps on the floor but carefully collected them into her hand, passing them to me when her hands got too full.
I love that she discovered a new like of jeans and kicking soccer balls and swinging a bat, yet she seems as delicate as always, disgusted if her hands get too dirty or a spoonful of oatmeal falls onto the table.
I love that she's not afraid to wear what she wants and like what she wants, even if that means something different than what her sister or friends wear or like.
I love that she wears her emotions on her sleeve, even when those emotions are stressful or difficult to deal with.
Everything about my newly four-year-old makes my heart overflow with love.
Paige, you are my beautiful sunshine. I love you so much, and wish for so many wonderful things for you. Happy, happy Birthday!
xoxo, mommy
** I had beautiful photos of my second born to include with this birthday post, but of course my computer is being evil and not letting me attach any photos. (Which is nothing new for this old thing.)
Mar 29, 2014
I remember
Dear Calvin,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I have been remembering.
I can still picture the hospital room. I can still picture saying good bye to you. How hard it was to let you go and give you to the nurse to take you to the morgue. The morgue. I remember the tears that your daddy and I cried as she pushed you away in that bassinet. She had to have a security guard escort her.
I remember walking out of the hospital room without you. Walking down the hall with rooms filled with happy moms and dads and new babies crying. I remember walking out of the building, our arms empty.
I remember how hard it was to feel connected to you, even though I didn't want to let you go, because I knew that it was just your body. Just your shell and that You were already gone. I remember how hard it was to leave the hospital. It was all hard.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. How your daddy woke to my cries and crawled into bed with me while your little body rested in the bassinet at the end of the hospital bed.
I remember how sorry I felt. How I felt like I failed you. As your mom it was my job to protect you and I didn't. I couldn't. I am still so sorry.
My sweet, sweet boy. I remember. I remember. I remember.
And I am sorry. xoxo, mommy
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I have been remembering.
I can still picture the hospital room. I can still picture saying good bye to you. How hard it was to let you go and give you to the nurse to take you to the morgue. The morgue. I remember the tears that your daddy and I cried as she pushed you away in that bassinet. She had to have a security guard escort her.
I remember walking out of the hospital room without you. Walking down the hall with rooms filled with happy moms and dads and new babies crying. I remember walking out of the building, our arms empty.
I remember how hard it was to feel connected to you, even though I didn't want to let you go, because I knew that it was just your body. Just your shell and that You were already gone. I remember how hard it was to leave the hospital. It was all hard.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. How your daddy woke to my cries and crawled into bed with me while your little body rested in the bassinet at the end of the hospital bed.
I remember how sorry I felt. How I felt like I failed you. As your mom it was my job to protect you and I didn't. I couldn't. I am still so sorry.
My sweet, sweet boy. I remember. I remember. I remember.
And I am sorry. xoxo, mommyMar 27, 2014
Might as Well Just Get Myself a Typewriter
It's hard to imagine, in this technological age, that Adam and I ever lived without a computer, but the truth is, until about five years ago we did. Our first computer purchase together (because my parents had gotten me one in high school, that I dragged to college, that eventually died) was when I was home with Hope and desperate for something aside from the television to keep me company with a baby that never talked to me.
After putting a lot of thought and research into it, we decided on a Mac laptop. One that we loved from the start and that has survived numerous falls onto tile floor. It is, in fact, the computer I type this on now.
Five years doesn't seem like that long, but apparently for the life of an electronic it is ancient, as I have recently found out some rough news. There are web sites that our old web browser can no longer support and in my search to update our web browser I learned that OUR COMPUTER IS TOO OLD TO SUPPORT A NEW WEB BROWSER.
Do you realize what this means? I can't even update the software on our computer because our computer is too old to support it.
I do understand that this is a first world problem and all, but, really!? I have to buy a new computer in order to use certain websites? Lame. (And, most likely not going to happen.) What makes me especially frustrated is that I used a free photo editor website to make collages and edit photos and that is one of the sites that no longer works.
But, aside from buy a new computer, what else can I do? Just complain and complain and post fewer pictures and never update the photo at the top of this here blog. (Life is hard, I tell you.) I'm sure that I will get over it... someday.
Just not today. I'm going to spend a little more time being annoyed first. (You can find me pouting in the corner.)
In other news, tomorrow (after school) is the start of Spring Break which I've decided means it's actually going to start feeling like spring around here. I will totally ignore the fact that snow was falling today, and focus instead on the rain beforehand that melted some of the massive snowbanks still lingering.
Happy Spring!
xoxo, christine
After putting a lot of thought and research into it, we decided on a Mac laptop. One that we loved from the start and that has survived numerous falls onto tile floor. It is, in fact, the computer I type this on now.
Five years doesn't seem like that long, but apparently for the life of an electronic it is ancient, as I have recently found out some rough news. There are web sites that our old web browser can no longer support and in my search to update our web browser I learned that OUR COMPUTER IS TOO OLD TO SUPPORT A NEW WEB BROWSER.
Do you realize what this means? I can't even update the software on our computer because our computer is too old to support it.
I do understand that this is a first world problem and all, but, really!? I have to buy a new computer in order to use certain websites? Lame. (And, most likely not going to happen.) What makes me especially frustrated is that I used a free photo editor website to make collages and edit photos and that is one of the sites that no longer works.
But, aside from buy a new computer, what else can I do? Just complain and complain and post fewer pictures and never update the photo at the top of this here blog. (Life is hard, I tell you.) I'm sure that I will get over it... someday.
Just not today. I'm going to spend a little more time being annoyed first. (You can find me pouting in the corner.)
In other news, tomorrow (after school) is the start of Spring Break which I've decided means it's actually going to start feeling like spring around here. I will totally ignore the fact that snow was falling today, and focus instead on the rain beforehand that melted some of the massive snowbanks still lingering.
Happy Spring!
xoxo, christine
Mar 20, 2014
"Just" A Cold
I have been sick this week. Not pregnancy-related sick, but just sick. Which is good? bad? both? neither? I'm not entirely sure. Although if I was nauseated I could at least take something for it. This cold is actually kicking my butt.
I've had many colds this past year, most of which turned into painful sinus infections, but this cold is painful in a different way. It has completely drained any and all energy I might have possessed. My nose is simultaneously dripping like a leaking faucet and yet plugged up like a drain that won't go down. Although I don't have a fever my body aches feel hit-by-a-truck worthy, while every time I get up to do something I am left breathless.
Today is better, which is good because after a day and half (I know, only a day and half? I'm such a whiner), I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
The girls, to their credit, have been good and mostly well-behaved. They've been pretty independent, with some bopping in and out of my room. The television and my mom have been life-savers, providing a lot of distraction and help.
I am still far from myself though. After feeling a bit better this morning, I think I pushed myself too far and am quite ready for a long rest in bed. Luckily, Paige just set up a "secret hideout" in our bedroom and is currently hidden away while enjoying a few games on the iPad.
Pretty sure that's my cue to close up shop and take a siesta.
Sending healthy wishes to all!
xoxo, christine
I've had many colds this past year, most of which turned into painful sinus infections, but this cold is painful in a different way. It has completely drained any and all energy I might have possessed. My nose is simultaneously dripping like a leaking faucet and yet plugged up like a drain that won't go down. Although I don't have a fever my body aches feel hit-by-a-truck worthy, while every time I get up to do something I am left breathless.
Today is better, which is good because after a day and half (I know, only a day and half? I'm such a whiner), I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.
The girls, to their credit, have been good and mostly well-behaved. They've been pretty independent, with some bopping in and out of my room. The television and my mom have been life-savers, providing a lot of distraction and help.
I am still far from myself though. After feeling a bit better this morning, I think I pushed myself too far and am quite ready for a long rest in bed. Luckily, Paige just set up a "secret hideout" in our bedroom and is currently hidden away while enjoying a few games on the iPad.
Pretty sure that's my cue to close up shop and take a siesta.
Sending healthy wishes to all!
xoxo, christine
Mar 19, 2014
Movement
I can feel her, pushing and flipping, stretching and kicking. She is reminding me, It's okay, Mom. I'm here and I'm okay. The flutters and pokes are gentle reassurances that she is alive and healthy and growing strong.
I have reached the point that is considered comfortably pregnant, although my definition of "comfortable" must be different than those in the books because I feel like I went from first-trimester nausea and vomiting straight to large and not-so-in-charge.
Still, even with the awkward flipping from side-to-side during the night and the almost constant lower backache, I know that this pregnancy is a gift. One that is worth the fitful sleep and aches and pains.
Adam felt her movement for the first time last week. This is always one of my most favorite moments of pregnancy, when the kicks get strong enough for the daddy to feel too. The girls have yet to feel anything, despite our best efforts to place their hands in the right spot at the exact right time.
It's as if their sister is already playing with and teasing them because as many flips as she's doing, as soon as I beckon the girls over the movement stops. We joke that she's saying, Oh! My big sisters are coming to feel me move? Quick, I'll pretend to be asleep.
The girls giggle and laugh and Hope blows raspberries on my belly to tickle Baby Girl and Paige will have conversations with my belly, making her voice an octave higher when she's being the voice of the baby.
It is sweet, and beautiful. And I am excited for the time the girls catch their sister in the act, letting everyone know the reality of her growing inside me.
I don't want to wish time away, but I can't wait for our Baby Girl to be here. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and smell her and hear her newborn cries. But until that moment I will cherish the moments I can feel her right now. Each poke and prod a reminder to me that things are as they should be, that she is growing stronger every day.
xoxo, christine
I have reached the point that is considered comfortably pregnant, although my definition of "comfortable" must be different than those in the books because I feel like I went from first-trimester nausea and vomiting straight to large and not-so-in-charge.
Still, even with the awkward flipping from side-to-side during the night and the almost constant lower backache, I know that this pregnancy is a gift. One that is worth the fitful sleep and aches and pains.
Adam felt her movement for the first time last week. This is always one of my most favorite moments of pregnancy, when the kicks get strong enough for the daddy to feel too. The girls have yet to feel anything, despite our best efforts to place their hands in the right spot at the exact right time.
It's as if their sister is already playing with and teasing them because as many flips as she's doing, as soon as I beckon the girls over the movement stops. We joke that she's saying, Oh! My big sisters are coming to feel me move? Quick, I'll pretend to be asleep.
The girls giggle and laugh and Hope blows raspberries on my belly to tickle Baby Girl and Paige will have conversations with my belly, making her voice an octave higher when she's being the voice of the baby.
It is sweet, and beautiful. And I am excited for the time the girls catch their sister in the act, letting everyone know the reality of her growing inside me.
I don't want to wish time away, but I can't wait for our Baby Girl to be here. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and smell her and hear her newborn cries. But until that moment I will cherish the moments I can feel her right now. Each poke and prod a reminder to me that things are as they should be, that she is growing stronger every day.
xoxo, christine
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