Apr 11, 2012


One day I am fine, good even, and then... I am today.

Today I feel broken into pieces.  Aching pieces.  Hurting pieces.

Paige takes a nap, I sleep, and Hope watches too much TV.  But I don't feel guilty about it.  Not today.  Today I just can't, even though I know she will be cranky when I turn it off, because she's always that way after being in front of a screen for too long.

I cry in the car, when the girls aren't with me.  I want to cry in the grocery store.  I want the world to know that I'm not okay.  But I want to hide.  Because I don't want the world to see my pain.

I know that I must verbalize what I need.  That I can not expect them to read my mind.  To know what I need if I do not tell them.

But I do not know what I need.

I need to get a night away, to curl up at home.  I need to talk about it, to be distracted.  I need to be surrounded, to be left alone.  It varies day-to-day, moment-to-moment.  I can never figure out exactly what it is I need, what I should be asking for.

Even though I know if I ask, they will give it to me.

Today it is hard.  I want to feel happy, to be happy, but I am not.  Because the doors of my loss were unexpectedly reopened, like they can be at any seemingly random time.

Today I feel broken.  Today I ache.

But tomorrow is a new day.  And maybe tomorrow will be much like today, but maybe it won't.  Maybe tomorrow will be less difficult, less painful, filled with fewer tears and more smiles.


  1. My heart hurt when I read this. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I can empathize with feeling broken and not being able to verbalize what you need from your family and friends because it's everything and nothing at the same time. I hope that tomorrow brings you a little more comfort, peace and happiness.

  2. I haven't had your type of loss but I can still relate to some of these feelings. I am so very sorry for the loss you've suffered. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and the day after that and so on... xo


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