I want to have another baby. No, that isn't right. I am aching to have another baby.
It's a tricky thing, this whole kids thing. And if I'm being honest, for us it was a much bigger and more difficult adjustment after the second than it was after the first. (Will I forever feel guilty about that?) We struggled quite a bit. Which is why my pregnancy last summer was such a shock and unplanned surprise. I feared for our marriage. (Will I forever feel guilty about that too?)
But even so, when we lost the baby I was devastated. I should say, Devastated. Because it deserves a capital D.
And now, I am Desperate for a baby. (Because that deserves a capital D too, even though I am embarrassed admitting that.) I feel like a crazy lady, how much I'd like another baby. I don't know why it feels so important Right Now. Why waiting a few years (like someone else in our family might prefer) seems so.very.hard.
One of my friends suggested that perhaps I feel this way because of the miscarriage. Perhaps I am seeking closure. She might be on to something. Adam agrees. He must be on to something too.
I wonder, would a new baby bring me more closure? I don't know. Maybe? (Will I forever feel guilty about that?) Not that it would replace the baby I lost, but might my heart feel more healed if I had a new baby here to focus on? (Will I forever feel guilty for that too?)
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
All I know is, I want another baby. It is aching in my heart. And that's the truth.